Happiness

fifthteen

B E C A

It has been two weeks since Chloe stayed around my house. We actually had a good time and had done it twice since the last time. Winter break wasn't too bad, Christmas was probably the only one I enjoyed in 10 years. My mum didn't really spend it downstairs with me and Dani but that's okay, I am used to her not being around. School starts again today though and it is starting to get busy from now on as all the coursework and exams will be starting.

I know it will be stressful and I don't deal with stress very well, I never have. Dani said it would be fine and if everything did start to get too much then she would be there to help with everything. She was an amazing sister and I couldn't be more grateful for everything she had done for me. My mother on the other hand, she hasn't spoken to me much since the night Carl got taken to prison. I'm not too sure what she is feeling. If she is mad at me or just upset that he is gone.

Probably mad at you.

It was all your fault

Remember?

"Fuck!" I shouted, slamming the fists down on the kitchen side

Seconds later my sister ran in, looking at me, panic written across her face.

"What happened?!" She asked quickly

"Nothing" I grumbled

"Don't lie to me, I know something is bothering you"

"It's nothing, promise," I told her

Liar

I just rolled my eyes, grabbing my bag and heading out of the kitchen. I said bye to Dani before leaving the house. Stacie and Chloe were standing on the corner of my road so I made my way over to them.

"Ready for school?" Chloe smiled

"Am I ever" I groaned, Stacie, agreeing with me

The whole way to school I just listened in on their conversation as I wasn't talking much this morning. They would both ask me the odd question here and there but other than that, I kept quiet with one headphone in.

"Want to grab coffee after school?" Chloe asked me

"Maybe tomorrow," I said

She only nodded, looking a little sad but carrying on with her talk with Stacie. I kind of just wanted to go home and sleep. I was tired and done with school already and I am not even there yet.

When we had arrived at school, I headed straight to my first lesson which was Science, not what I wanted first thing today. Chloe stayed out front to carry on talking to her group of friends, I always have a feeling they are talking about me. Not in a bad way because I know Chloe would never do that behind my back. She is too kind and caring to be a horrible person.

"How come you don't want to get coffee after school?" I heard Chloe ask, sitting next to me

I only shrugged as the class was nearly full and I didn't want anyone else hearing me. they judge me enough so it would make everything worse if they heard me talking.

"We can talk at break instead," She told me and I nodded

Double science was now over so Chloe and I decided to head out to the bleachers.

"You want to answer my questions now?"

"I am just not in the mood today. Honestly, I just want to go home and curl up in bed" I sighed

"You have been feeling like this for ages Bec, are you okay?" She asked me

"Everything is just fucked up and I know that it's all my fault. I have so much shit going through my head and some days it all just gets a little too much" I told her

I'm always telling her this kind of thing, she cares and I actually know it. I know my sister cares so fucking much and I can trust her with everything but these kinds of things worry Dani too much and I don't need her to worry about me all the time. Chloe seems to worry, but not as much as Dan.

"Nothing is your fault, please stop blaming yourself for everything that has happened. You are the last person to blame okay? The voices in your head are wrong and you need to do your best to ignore them and carry on trying to forget about all this. Beca, you deserve to be so happy and not have to worry and be scared of everything" Chloe said softly

You don't deserve to be happy.

Your mother hates you.

You took away her husband.

You took away her happiness.

So you shouldn't get your happiness.

"I don't deserve my happiness" I whispered

She sighed and told me to follow her. I didn't bother resisting since she would get her way in the end. I always let Chloe take me places. I say no to her but she always manages to change my mind and I hate that she can.

Before I got the chance to ask where we were going, I noticed we were outside of school. After walking about 15 minutes, we arrived at some graveyard.

"Why are we here?" I sighed

"You see that grave?" She asked, pointing to one in front of us

I looked over it and it read, 'In Memory of Grace Baler'. I turned to look at Chlo and nodded.

"She was one of my first friends when I first moved here, after only knowing her for 5 months, she had killed herself. She said the exact things you did. She never had the life you did but she just didn't feel worthy enough of the life she had been given. That is why I care so much about you and want you to be happy. Bec, I don't want you to end up like Grace because I am not willing to lose another friend because of depression or not being happy and having someone to talk to. I need you to be here with me because I really do like you" She sniffled

I only looked at Chloe in the eyes, I could tell she was trying not to cry. I wasn't going to try that again because I am not willing to lose my sister or Chloe and Stacie. Not now. They are the three people in my life that I actually care about right now.

"I'm not leaving" I whispered

She looked at me with a small smile, pulling me into a hug. I flinched and had pulled away a little which instantly made Chloe say sorry.

"Don't be, I just didn't expect it" I sighed

"I'm sorry" I told her

"You don't need to be sorry. I should have known not to do it"

I smiled sadly and we decided to walk around. Since I didn't plan on going back to school, I told Chloe to follow me.

"This isn't a game of leading" She smirked

"You need cheering up, fuck my problems," I told her

"I care about your problems but I know you don't want to talk about them today so you do whatever" She smiled and I returned with a small smile too

After a few minutes, we had arrived at my house. My mother would be at work and Shannon would be at the university until 4 pm.

"I hate to admit it, but I do the best milkshakes," I told her

"Lucky for you, they are my favorite drinks" She smiled happily

"Beautiful smile" I whispered

Hoping she never heard that because I didn't want her to think I was weird.

"I can't wait to see your real smile" She added

"One day"

I made my milkshake with Soy milk and then Chloe's with normal milk, I wasn't sure if she would want to have Soy milk like me. Once I was done, we headed out to the firepit, where we sat a few weeks ago, Chloe seemed to love this area of my garden.