Messages I wanted to send but couldnt :
《 September 5th- 5:23 pm》 Fuck you. Fuck you so very much for breaking your promises and lying to me. For fucking breaking my heart once again and hurting me beyond repair. I feel so alone. You are my bestfriend... and the love of my life. And I cant be with you anymore. You hurt and lie to me to fucking much tbh. I forgive you or try to and you iyer do it again. I want you to be my forever or at least wanted you to, but it's too late now. You've made your decision. And idk if I'll ever send any of these messages to you. Maybe someday when I've healed from al this trauma but I dont think that's ever gonna happen, because my heart still wants you. I still want yiu.. but i just cant. Because I'm not meth. I'm not what you want despite the words you feed me. I'm not good enough. I try so hard with you and do all I can to be enough and still... you lie to me. You fucking go behind my back. How dare you! How dare you play me like you have.. how fucking dare you! I trusted you. I fucking am in love with you more than anything and wish it could've been more than anything but you made your decision. And I wasnt a part of it. Qnd now I have to deal with the consequences of your mistakes. I hate myself because of this. For the first time ever I wished I was dead last night. Ya know what's that like huh? When you lied to me and broke another promise yet again when you tried to overdose on meth..when you tried to fucking leave me. Now you're in the hospital and think I'm "really upset" no im fucking broken. Theres a difference.
《September 5th - 5:25 pm》 It just fucking sycks that no matter what you do to me.. I still fucking want you. You were my endgame. The only person I have ever wanted and yet, I'm not enough for you. You say you'll never give up but when you get out of the hosp9tal and I dont reply. I can guarantee you'll give up real quick. You'll play victim and you'll act like it's what j truly want when we both know it's not. Maybe for once I just want and need some effort from you. Some actual effort. Truth and honesty. Sick of your fucking lies. Sick of this pain. Sick of this life tbh.
《September 5th - 7:08pm》
I feel sick... utterly lost without you. It fucking sucks cuz I'm sure you being in the hospital is gonna be the same old shit like rehab. You're probably joking up and laughing round with others and flirting with God knows who. I'm nothing to you. My name isnt meth. Or pills. Or drugs of any kind. I'm Rachel.. and it seems like that isnt enough for you at all. I want so badly to hear your voice.. or to have you trying to contact me. When you kept calling and texting.. it at least showed you were trying... and now its just... nothing. Empt7ness. Johnathan came over without me knowing. He just randomly showed up and it was sweet and all but all I could think of is you. As much as I wanted to not... I just cant stop. I feel so.. stupid. I shouldn't be as upset as I am. But I am. My mom ain't gonna let me talk to you even if I wanted too. I want to so badly.. but I know I shouldn't. Know I cant. You're toxic to me. You lie and cheat and fake things and act as if somethings real when it's not. I miss your touch. I miss your voice. I miss you. And I hate admitting that. It makes me feel so weak.. my heart wants you.. but my mind knows that that's not the right thing for me. I deserve more than fucking lies and being used. I deserve more than that. And I so badly pray you dont give up. Even when I dont reply. I pray that you keep trying. For years even. Forever. I never want you to stop. Becayse whether or not we cant be together.. I still want you. 😭
《September 5th - 7:26pm》
I can only hope that you're actually getting those doctors help. That you're actually opening up about your struggles and that you're not lying about if you're suicidal or not. I want the best for you.. even if I cant be with you... 😭😭 I hope you dont give up on getting me back Justin. As selfish as that fucking is... in my heart, you're still my endgame. Part of me wants to reply and to call you back. To answer when you text and call. Part of me wants to just jump and forgive you. But I fucking cant anymore, baby... I fucking cant. 😭😭😭😭 I'm hurting so much. Cant stop crying and when I fucking do it's never gone in my head. The voicemails you leave break my heart. But it's the only thing that's giving me a small hope that you're gonna keep you're promise and not give up on us.. I'm getting quintin put in jail. Hope you fucking know that, and if you don't oh you fucking will. I'm teaming up with the drug task force in carrolton pd and were gonna set a trap to catch him. I hope he gets put away for a long time. Or gets such high bonds that his poor ass cant pay them and hes stuck there. I hope those drugs fucking kill him. I hold so much anger towards him and others who sell and do drugs when the anger should be at YOU! AND IT FUCKING IS. I gotta keep reminding myself no one but you decided to get those fucking drugs. No one but you snorted them or took them and tried to overdose. You did that. You always fucking do that. I've never felt this sorta pain before. And i pray to God I never feel it again.
