I know I shouldn't care... or even want to care about you because of what yoive done to me. The things you've said and done to me are inexcusable. But my heart tho filled with anger and resentment and hate towards you... also has some hidden tucked away love. You are my weakness in a way i guess. I promise myself each time.. i wont let you do this. I won't let myself bend. And esch time my dumbass does even if only a little this last time. I pray you make the right decision.. because even if were destined to only be bestfriends in this lifetime.. I'll always remember the good times and the bad. More bad than good truly. You were quite toxic to me. Still are. But I was head over heels for the bad boy, and violated my own morales and principles to stay with you for as long as I did. And even tonight, tho we only spoke.. it was like.. nothint changed. Yea i was bitter and crude. And you were cocky and obnoxious. But you weren't mean to me. And you didn't curse or yell at me when i degraded your whore. For that small thing I am grateful. Because i deserve to at least speak my mind and feelings on what has been wrongsone to me and tortured to me. I hope she rots in hell, and if you choose her.. if you choose to stay with her and disregard our friendship.. our connection... then you can do the same. It took so much out of me to see you again.. I couldn't look you in the eye though. When you shook my hand a little spark was still there. Though very dim. Its pathetic really.. i guess what they say about a first love is really true. I just hope you make the right decision.. even if we are only meant to be friends in secret.. i dont wanna have to say goodbye again but I will if it comes to that. I'll do what i do best and ghost.
I... i love you. Hate you. Love you. Asshole.
Love, redhaired ray of sunshine
