Nightmares

I Finally Know What Better Is

I woke up and yawned. It was the weekend so Soda and Darry didn't have work. I slept peacefully that night. The medicine had been helping and I'm glad.

I don't keep myself or anyone else up at night. I don't burden anyone with my problems. I don't keep those types of things to myself anymore.

There might be some nights when I do have a nightmare but there not as bad. I don't keep them to myself either. I usually tell Soda about them and he makes me write down when I had them and a summary of what they are about. That's what the doctor told me to do and Darry and Soda are doing everything that the doctor said.

Everyone has been a big help to me. The gang are really nice about it, and they don't treat me differently. Sure Two-Bit likes to make fun of me but he's just being Two-Bit. The rest of the guys try not to mention it much. I guess they know I don't really want to talk about it.

But the person who has helped me the most was Johnny.

If it hadn't been for him I might not have told anyone. Sure, they would have found out sooner or later, but how soon. How long would it have taken before I exploded? How long would it have taken before I passed out from exhaustion? How long would it have taken before they would have found out the hard way?

I thought keeping it to myself would make everything better but it was actually making everything worse. I thought they were getting better but they never were. I don't think I even knew what 'better' was until now.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I hadn't told Johnny. If I had just lied my way out of it. I know he would have found out because he's my best friend. He can practically see right through me. But how long would it have taken for him to ask? Would he have waited to the point were I was too exhausted to do anything?

I sighed. I think to much. That's one of my problems. It's not one I need to worry about but it's a problem. I need to stop thinking about the past. Like Johnny said, "Don't focus on the 'What ifs'. Think of what did happen."

I use that advice a lot. It helps me. Although, sometimes I wish reality could be different. I wish I could change things. But I know that's impossible. I have too much of a creative imagination. Oh well. That will get better soon. Just like everything else has.