Nightmares

Better or Worse?

I thought it was just one dream. One nightmare. But it wasn't. Its been 7 months since mom and dad died. 7 months since my first nightmare. They never went away. The first few weeks I woke up screaming every night. It got so bad that Darry had to take me to the doctor.

Read more and be more active is what the doctor told me. I did but the nightmares would still come and go. Sometimes I wouldn't wake up screaming when I had one but they were still bad. Darry and Soda knew that I still had nightmares but they didn't know what they were about. Sometimes, when the nightmares were really bad, I would wake up screaming but that doesn't happen very often.

Usually they are about something that has happened to me or my friends. Like that night when Johnny and I where looking for Dally and Two-Bit at the movies and got jumped. The dream was worse than what actually happened.

I can remember every dream I've had. They all have to do with my family and friends dying. Like the time Johnny go jumped. He got beat up pretty bad but my mind made it worse then it seemed. In my dream they killed him. In every dream they kill everyone I care about. Everyone I love.

I wish it would all go away. I wish the pain would leave. I wish I could forget. I wish...mom and dad where here. There's not a single day that does by that I don't miss them. But now it's not just mom and dad. It's my brothers and the gang and pretty much people in general.

What I wish to all be a dream, a nightmare, is actually reality. Something my mind probably couldn't make up. This was something you'd have to see. I never thought I'd want to have a nightmare so badly. The only difference that separates this from a nightmare is that I lived this and I can't live a dream no matter how real it seems.

"Pony!" Johnny snapped me out of my thoughts.

"Hm." Was the only thing I could get out 'cause I was so tired.

"Are you alright?" No. I'm not alright. I'm tired. Tired of the nightmares. Tired of the pain. Tired of the Socs... the Socs. The whole reason I'm hear at this church. If those stupid Socs wouldn't have jumped us we wouldn't be in this mess. I'm tired of this stupid church. I just want to go home. But I'm not going to. I'm leaving Johnny by himself.

"Mhm. Just tired." Johnny studied me for a moment.

"You look like you hadn't slept in days." I haven't. We've been at this church for three days, and I've had nightmares every night. I barely slept at all. The only thing keeping me going is the freezing cold water in the pump at the back of the church.

Images for last nights nightmares popped in my head. Johnny killing the Soc, being taken by the police, sentenced to death, and the electric chair.

I blinked back tears but it was no good. I started bawling, putting my head in my hands. Johnny came over and pulled me close to him. "Hey, hey what's wrong." I didn't want to answer. I thought of lying but I knew it would do no good. Johnny knew I had lied since day one. He would get it out of me weather I wanted to tell or not.