DEH & BMC x Reader

[TW] It All Comes Down to Numbers (Evan Hansen x Bulimic! Reader)

The bathroom smells like puke again.

This is understandable considering that you just purposefully threw up your meal. Again. You lied against the bathroom wall, panting as tears rolled down your cheeks. You forced yourself to stand up and wash your mouth out 20 times, exactly 20: 10 with mouthwash, 5 with a borax water solution, and 5 with water. You didn't want the acid from your stomach to eat away at your teeth.

You sprayed the bathroom down with air freshener, used hand sanitizer to get the vomit smell off your hands but you knew it would never really come off. You made yourself look acceptable to society's standards and made your way out of the bathroom.

Your boyfriend, Evan, wanted to spend the day with you but you had other plans. You felt the urge to binge and did so just before you purged and told Evan he could come over. You had to be skinny for him.

He called you and said he was going to the store, which was only a three minute walk, before he came over. "Do you need any tampons or pads or stuff?" He asked. You had told him you were on your period so when you went to the bathroom it wouldn't seem strange to be in there longer than normal. Honestly, you hadn't had your period in months.

"No, I'm good babe. Thanks." You replied.

As you waited, you felt as though there was still food in your stomach. You made your way to the scale in your bathroom and hesitantly stepped on it, the numbers read 93 pounds.

It read 92 yesterday.

You sighed in aggravation and went into your bedroom to grab your notebook that contained calorie counts, weight gain/loss, and exercise time. You had gotten through almost half of it. Quickly, you jot down the number that you were ashamed of.

You had to go purge some more. You always noticed extra fat, what you didn't notice is that Evan said he was pulling into your street.

You slammed the door once you got to the bathroom. You dropped to your knees in front of the toilet and cry quietly.

Evan's POV

Evan pulled into the driveway with excitement. He bought popcorn for a movie night with you and he really just wanted to spend time with you... he also had something to ask you. You'd been so distracted and distant recently.

As he got out of the car and walked up to the door, he felt in his pocket for the spare you gave him. Once he found it he opened the door only to see an empty living room. He set the bag of movie night snacks down on the coffee table and walked to your room.

"(Y/N)?" He called out but you couldn't hear him.

Once he opened your bedroom door he didn't find you in there either. What he did see though was a notebook with angry looking handwriting, it was scratchy and kind of hard to read. But there were so many numbers on the page. He walked over hesitantly and picked it up.

'Workout time: 2 hours, 45 minutes.'
'Going to binge. In total it will be around 5,000 calories.'
'Purge time: around 30 minutes total.'
'Gained another pound today. 93.'

Now Evan began to worry. He knew what this was, anyone in their right mind would, and it made him so upset and scared and kind of mad. How could you do something like this to yourself?

"(Y/N)?!" He yelled.

That's when he heard the gag; it was loud and sounded like an old man just coughed his lung out. Evan sprinted to the bathroom, bursting it open with a bang only to see you with your fingers down your throat, vomit in your hand, around the toilet and in the toilet. He quickly rushed over to you and pulls your hand away, not caring about the putrid smelling substance on it. He pulled you into a tight hug as you sobbed, some bile still coming out of your mouth. (A/N Sorry if this seems gross to you but it's just what happens. Your stomach won't stop for a romantic moment.)

You bury your face in his jacket and begin to full-on wail. You were just so disgusted and sick of yourself, it hurt to live like this. Evan began to cry with you; he thought you were so beautiful and couldn't help but blame himself for this happening. Maybe if I told her she was beautiful more often then... Evan let out a sob. You both cried for an hour at least.

When you both settled down, he helped you clean up the bathroom and yourself. He stayed silent the whole time which worried you but really he was just trying to process everything.

Once you got to the living room, he sat down on the couch waiting for you to join him before he spoke, "Why have you been doing this to yourself?"

You didn't know how to answer as you peered into Evan's saddened eyes. You gulped before answering, "I just wanted to be beautiful and skinny for you. I wanted you to think I was pretty. And in the end it just all came down to numbers and looks."

Another tear escaped his eye as he spoke in a rushed voice, "I'm sorry if i ever made you think i didn't appreciate you. I love you. I think you're beautiful inside and out and who gives a damn if you're skinny or not, which you are, I would still love you unconditionally. Nothing could ever change that."

You cried as he spoke. Your eyes were tightly closed as the tears fell but you felt a pair of warm lips connect with yours. It was a short kiss but it was enough for you to smile weakly. Evan took your hands in his own and moved from the couch to kneeling in front of you.

"(Y/N), will you promise to stop doing this to to yourself?" He asks.

You nod, even though you knew it would be very difficult for your body to adjust, and feel the tears drip done more. And then you noticed his hand reaching into his back jeans pocket, sweat shining on his forehead. You gasp as he brings out a small black velvet box.

He opens it to reveal a big shiny diamond ring. "(Y/N), I want to be there for you when you're struggling, for when you're giggling, even when your dying. Would you do me honors of being my wife?" He asks nervous.

You nod vigorously, at a loss for words, and kiss him quickly before sliding the ring on. You jump up form the couch and squeal, Evan laughs and stands as well, pulling you into a hug.

"I promise to protect you from everything," he promises. "Even your mind."
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No one asked for this but meh. It's all good.
Excuse the random Min Yoongi quote at the top.