Sixty-Fifth Night.
Got a dream. Dunno what happened though. I was in this gigantic room with lotso candles in it. 'Twas really warm in brown an' I was in the centre. There was this weird gem with the Commander symbol on it. There was a hand an' they were extending it out to me. Had a lot of blood but it wasn't scary. Just really weird.
Some 'un was givin' it to me, for some reason. It was all very blurry. I dunno what I did—that's when I woke up.
Dunno why I'm writing this either. Just feels too weird to not record the weirdness.
...
710 days since Praimfaya.
''What story would you like tonight, goufa?'' Lexa asked as she watched Madi wiggle into her bed. It had been a long day; they had spent most of it scavenging and hunting, which, although was fun, was definitely tiresome; and so, Lexa was inclined to let Madi choose which tale she'd like to hear for the night.
''C-can you tell me what happened?'' Madi murmured, as she gazed at Lexa nervously, fidgeting with her bedsheets. And when Lexa gazed at her in a question for her to elaborate: ''I-I mean a-after you were paralysed. What happened?''
Lexa sighed, ever so quietly, and leaned back. She let the memories pass by her mind; but it had felt far away, out of reach and so different from this world she was now living in. It was unusual, to contrast the difference that was this year and two years ago. One of them had her a duty; gave her a sense of urgency as the acting Commander, always halfway dead, always vulnerable, open to attack. Always had to watch her words, and act, on the behalf of her people. The other had her in the midst of a forest in Shallow Valley, living a relatively quiet life with her flame, Clarke, and telling stories to an 8-year old Nightblood of the past that she remembered. And with a jolt, Lexa realised just how different the two lives she'd led were. And if she was asked to choose one, she feared the answer that nestled in both of the choices she had.
She found the thought troubling but nevertheless set it aside. And when Madi gazed at her expectantly, waiting for a response, Lexa cleared her throat and began.
''As I had told you before, I was shot by someone, by a bullet meant for a friend. That someone was the Fleimkipa Titus.'' And at Madi's wide eyes— ''And that friend was Clarke.''
Madi looked at her, eyes wide, mouth slightly hanging in a gape. Surprise, fear, and awe had run her emotions. Awe?
Lexa's brow furrowed in the slightest, but she continued nonetheless. ''As is apparent, I was paralysed. My... mentors did not take the news well.'' she said. Thought of Anya's disapproval; Indra's distaste, and Titus' face, a mask of stone. ''They wished I to die,'' she cleared her throat, watching Madi's expression carefully.
Madi was surprised, but her eyes were downcast. Finally, after a period of contemplating silence, she murmured, ever so quietly: ''I'm glad you didn't.''
Lexa didn't respond, but tilted her head downwards slightly, to show that she'd heard. She appreciated Madi's words. And so, clearing her throat, she continued: ''I might've, if not for Ontari's rise,'' and then, her voice rueful: ''I suppose I have that to thank of her.''
''Ontari?'' Madi asked, the edge of confusion evident in her voice. She repositioned herself against the back of her bed. ''Who's that?''
''Azgeda,'' Lexa replied simply. ''She was Azgeda, and wanted my throne. She killed—'' and at this, her breath quickened, so subtle but still evident, and she hoped Madi didn't notice, ''— killed my Natblida in their sleep.''
Madi was stunned, her expression mixed with fear, surprise, sadness—that remained so, unregistering the passing of time, and Lexa's heart ached, for it was so familiar, so close to those she had lost.
And then— ''Wha-what happened to Ontari?'' she asked, voice quiet, almost fearful, as if her mind was still on Lexa's Nightbloods and their deaths.
''Died,'' Lexa supplied, and when Madi watched her expression: ''By my blade.''
Madi seemed relieved. ''So then you became Commander?'' she asked, gazing at Lexa as she waited for her to continue.
''No,'' Lexa said, smiling ironically at the memory. ''I had the Ambassadors to pass.'' They had been dissatisfied— Spirits, she could still recall their faces when they stormed into the Ontari's quarters in shock, found their Heda dead, slit by their fallen Commander in anarchy and vengeance, and were forced to replace Ontari with her, a crippled Commander, their only replacement lest a war start of red blood.
''H-how did the people—the Ambassadors—react when they found out?'' Madi asked curiously, as she sat up from her bed.
Lexa felt the corners of her lips quirk. ''Not well,'' she admitted. ''Half of them voted for my descent. But that vote was fought to a standstill; and so, I was Commander again.''
''Oh.'' Madi said. She was still fidgeting; as if she couldn't sit still. And then, she said: ''... h-how did it all end?''
Lexa felt a sigh overcome her. ''There was a mind-controlling chip that took away free-will— that one of the Skaikru had brought into Polis. They had managed to take control of a significant amount of my people until I realised what was happening. I had freed my people from its influence; but not without cost.'' she ended ruefully. The cost itself was evident; her second fall as a Commander.
It was almost amusing, to think about it. Commanders died—usually in vain, more often than not alone. She had almost met her end once, same as the others have, but then she didn't—she had lived. To think she had survived not just one fall, but two, and the midst of it managed to regain her throne as well was such an oddity in the line of Commanders that Lexa couldn't help but laugh.
Madi seemed slightly surprised, but then she mellowed down. Her fidgeting had stopped. And then, Madi asked, voice hoarse as she were quiet: "Did you send the Fleimkipas?"
It took a second for Lexa to process what Madi meant. The Fleimkipas that had murdered her family.
Solemnly, as carefully as she could, she said: "I did not." After her last and final fall, when she had broken her people from ALIE's mindspell, Lexa had recalled the scouts, hunting down Natblidas in an effort to find one worthy for Heda's throne, trying to find the lost as if it were some sport. A sport not paid in money, but the glory of blood. "They did, of their own accord."
But I was indirectly a cause of it.
Madi cast her eyes away. And then, tersely: ''Why do Fleimkipas c-come into houses and t-take people away?'' she said, her voice hoarse. ''D-do you know...?''
She was asking about her sister, Lexa realised. She recalled when Madi told them about her family; that her sister was rounded off and never seen again, and then her brother next. Unease settled in her stomach because she knew very well what ceremony that was for.
It was a ceremony hosted in event of a Commander's death. And only one could come alive from that.
Lexa wished not to break whatever little hope Madi had in her heart left; and so, she lied. Told her no, she didn't know and bade her a good night's rest.
For she did not know how to break the news; without risking the break of Madi's heart.
...
Seventy-Second Night.
Weird dream. I try not to think about it much, but it kept comin' back, so I think's about time I wrote it down so my brain moves on.
Dunno if that's how it works.
Anyway, so basically I saw brother and ai sis. They were sparring or somethin'; dunno why. But there was spears and swords and there was a big arena and all that. Lots of cheering and I had to plug my fingers in my ears 'cause it was SO LOUD.
It's weird 'cause I don't think I've seen them fight before. 'Cause all I remember of them is playin' games with me and havin' laughs and fun and bein' all annoying to each other. But they looked so serious.
Now that this's written, hopefully I can move on. Dream's a lot better than the other stuff though. Like the ones with him and them in it. Don't wanna get those either.
When'll they stop coming? Need to do something more 'bout it.
