roommate // norenmin

열두

umm i don't really know why i am updating again in just a couple days but it helps get feelings out, hope you all enjoy the update :)  p.s. i'm listen to incomparable by monsta x writing this, i'm in my feels ♡
—
renjun's pov

it's been two days, two days and i still haven't left my room. jaemin and jeno have again returned to jaemin's room and jeno is most likely going to permanently move into his room. i know i am supposed to be happy for my two best friends in love but how can i when they love each other and not me. i guess you just have to fake it until you make it. but what will i make out of this ? nothing but sadness is coming my way, i can just feel it.

cups of noodles piled on my stand as i sit in the dark room of what was once mine and jeno's but now only named as mine. i used to be afraid of the dark but now it has become my best friend and the only one there for me nowadays. all that was visible in my room was the dimly lit tv that played midnight runners, jeno's favorite korean drama. why do i keep doing this to myself ? it's all my fault that they're now together and that i am sad again, i kept pushing them together and letting them have some free time, it's all my fault and no one to blame but myself.

i can't stand this feeling anymore i don't know what to do. should i even be here with everyone now ? what's the point if no one loves me, i think there is none. i just get in everyone's way and they would be better off without me. my voice isn't really good and i'm not the visual of the group, i'm hardly noticed, i shouldn't be here.

( it literally kills me to write this because renjun is my ult bias out of all kpop and i love him so much none of this is true huang renjun i love you baby)

the feeling has come again, hot tears and red cheeks that felt like fire on my skin. the tears felt like sharp needles every time they fell from my eyes, it should be a feeling i was use to but it's not. it still hurts every time i cry, but not as much as the pain in my chest and the feeling of my heart aching.

maybe it was time to get some sleep, i need to take my mind off of everything and sleep might help. it never does though but i want to pretend it does, just pretend that something in life can make me feel better again. no matter how much i tried to fall asleep my eyes would stay closed, in my view was a candle with the fire burning out. it reminded me of myself, once a very lit candle lighting on the dark room but now slowly melting away and disappearing into darkness. i never  thought i would ever relate to a candle but something are a bit different now.

hours have passed and my crying has settled a bit and was making me a bit tired. would it be enough to put me to sleep though ? it probably wasn't but now the candle has given out and the darkness in the room was making it easier for me to close my eyes and fell into the only time i would have peaceful life. i dreamed of jeno not only loving jaemin but also me, and jaemin loving me along with jeno equally, to bad dreams can't come true.
—
sorry if this is very short, i mad it deep af though lol. i'm feeling to much emotions, my depression is showing. i really hope you all enjoyed it and sorry if mistakes, i'm writing this through my phone and i only edit on my computer, love you all ♡
— lele