roommate // norenmin

열셋

hello everyone i'm updating again, crazy i know, i'm listening to sad stray kids songs because i'm a sad child. 

"i've been thinking about my life, is it better if i die? before i sleep forever, i'm trying to find meaning in this emptiness" 42 ; stray kids 

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renjun's pov

another day another set of tears. everyday it's a struggle to wake up and force a smile on to my face. why should i even try if no one is going to notice me anyways, i could walk around here crying but no one would even blink an eye at me. i was alone and there was nothing i could change about that. i feel pathetic, i am getting myself so upset over two boys, but they're my life, my only reason for living, i have reasons but that reason is making me feel worthless.

my eyes feel heavy but even if i try to close them that just brings me more pain. i am stuck awake with these horrible thoughts in my head. it's like a voice is circling my head shouting horrible things at me every second. "you have no reason to live" "what's your purpose for life" "you're worthless, none of them need you", i want it all out of my head, but how would i get it out. since i was little i was always a quiet and alone child, that was until i first met jeno, he was my first friend that i could tell anything to, he was always there. next came jaemin, one day he just showed up and said he was now going to be mine and jeno's best friend, he was our happiness.

while i guess now i can say he is only jeno's happiness, his light doesn't shine on me anymore and they both left me in the dark. i feel disgusted in myself for saying i want to die but what other way out do i have, i don't think there is any other way. i want to believe nct would be better off without me, they could go off and chase their dreams without me. my dreams are starting to fade and i can't find a reason to want to fix them.

no one has attempted to come in here and ask if i am okay, they only leave me cups of noodles and a cup of water every once in a while. isn't it sad that they must not care enough to ask if i am okay. how would i answer them though? i don't think i would have a response for them, i can't tell them how i really feel, we all know how that worked out with jeno and jaemin. i should have just told them how i feel earlier, but time can't go back and i will have to live with the regret of letting them fall in love without me. another thought that circled my mind is that, would they love me back though? i mean why would they though, they would just think i am weird for loving two people at the same time, they would think i am weird, no one can love two people at the same time it's just impossible. it must not be impossible though and i must be weird because there is no doubt that what i feel for the both of them is nothing but love.

i love the both of them and it hurts me more to just admit that, i love both of my best friends and they only love each other. i feel like a record stuck on repeat, the same day i repeat the same words in my head, everyday i cry tears for the same reason, and everyday i will dream of them loving me as much as they love each other. when will my life go back on track, when will i find the courage to face everyone again and not have to force a smile on myself. will i ever see those days? will i just stay like this until it's finally my time to sleep forever? it doesn't seem that far away though, i can feel everyday myself slowly giving up on everything and everyone. but my family is the only ones i would feel hurt for, my mom she would miss me but can i really stay fighting these feelings for her, i love her but my heart hurts and my head aches, i don't think i can take these emotions longer. i'm so sorry.

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oof this is a big set of emotions, it's also short but i am just using short chapters before i can make renjun happy again, which is very soon. please forgive me for my horrible writing i can't think straight today. i love you all and thank you for the support ♡

-- lele