A Collection of Our Deepest Thoughts and Darkest Moments

what its like

i often wonder about myself
about how people associate me
what my personality says about me
or if he thinks my eyes are as beautiful as i would hope he does
if anyone notices the excessive peach fuzz on my upper lips
when i use the washroom mid shift and notice my makeup isnt blended well
or the hole in my pants that formed in the early morning
how i let go of my body and lost all sleep for months

i think about work
and how my productivity is failing
wondering why i haven't been promoted when its obvious
if a customer walked away because i wasnt doing my best
whether or not they'll come back and if i was the deciding factor
if i'm teaching the others well and being a leader

i wonder about money
and if i'll ever be able to catch back up after that unneeded vacation
buying clothes that may not fit me months from now because i can't seem to take care of myself
or to sacrifice fixing my car to pay someone back so they wont be upset with me for taking so long
paying off my credit card only to use it all back up

i think about him
and what he thinks about me
wanting to hear him spill his heart out to me but not wanting to seem pushy
not because i'm fishing for compliments
but because i don't know what he feels
if he loves my body even though i looked better when we were young
if he silently is turned off by the way i look in the morning
or if he would rather be with the girls he sees all day who are much thinner and prettier
if he wants forever like i do even though its not guaranteed

i think about my family and my past
about how i'll never seem to shake my diagnosed ptsd
from the beatings i took from my ex
or the violent fights i witnessed between my parents
watching split after split hoping i would never turn out like them
but also the feeling of isolation eating me alive because i refused to choose sides

i worry about how clingy i am
and all the things going on in my head
all the small details i notice that i worry would make a person despise me
begging for attention that i already get
sending message after message in a desperate attempt to be heard
because all i know is the jumble of words inside my head
i'm dying to talk to get all of it out of my system
hoping you know this has nothing to do with you and you're amazing to me and i love you the most
but some problems come around during different instances

often i cry
i get irritated
i beg
i worry
but that's all part of me
because that's what it feels like
to live with crippling anxiety.