law of total madness - personal stuff

thirty six:

so, i think y'all should know what's going on with me and my life, which is why i haven't updated much of anything. so, here's what's up:

recently, i've been dealing with a lot of drama at school.

my "friends" started telling me bullshit lies about my best friend telling rumors about me. they told me i was a terrible person because i was friends with her. they told me that they weren't going to talk to me if i continued my friendship with her.

so i cut her off.

it was such a terrible position to be put in, considering i try to love everyone. i didn't want to, but they said she was saying i was trying to get one of them expelled. which i wasn't. i wasn't even friends with the girl that much. i would never. so, in fear of losing everyone, i stopped talking to my best friend. i told her why, and she said she understands. i walked away as she cried. i held my tears until i was alone. i went to the girls the next day and told them i wasn't friends with her anymore.

they still didn't want to be friends with me.

they told me "we still don't trust you." and my heart burst into millions of pieces. it's funny how my intentions were to keep most of my friends, but i'd just done the opposite. i lost all of them. i was heartbroken and alone. i felt so betrayed, but mostly by myself. i felt like i've done something terrible to my best friend, and me. i have never felt like such a horrible person in my life. and i knew i should try to fix it, but i feared that it was too late.

i also restarted my friendship with one of my ex best friends. (long story short: my boyfriend left me for her) she's had some shit going on recently too. (her new bf cheated on her) we found out that her (now ex) boyfriend started dating her best friend, and i kinda lost it. like, i snapped today.

i'm so fucking tired of hurting people, just to please others who don't even give two shits about me. i'm tired of being a disappointment. i'm tired of not being friends with who i want to be friends with...

i'm also tired of hiding my feelings, i will not cry alone anymore.

so, i'm not doing it anymore. i'm not hurting people anymore. i am not trying to be friends with shitty people anymore, and i am most certainly not going to let other people dictate my life and tell me who i can and can not be friends with.

if those girls look at me the wrong way, i might freak out.

sorry to be a pain in the ass guys, just thought y'all should know what's up.

also, i didn't edit this at all, so sorry if the grammar is shitty.

-lynnie