law of total madness - personal stuff

forty six:

so, as many of you know, this summer wasn't the best point of my life. i pretty much locked myself in my room because i was scared of seeing my ex best friend. and, while i'm much better now, i still miss her. she was such a huge part of my life, she took up so much of my time. i was almost always with her, and now she hates me, and i was left with no reason why. i was looking at our shared instagram, which i don't have the password to anymore, and i just watched videos of us and sobbed. i haven't cried over her in months, and i don't really know why i did today. i've been thinking about her a lot recently too. i wanted to call her, tell her about the boy i like, because this is the first boy i've liked since we've stopped being friends. she was so terrible to me towards the end of our almost 12 year friendship, i should've seen our end coming. i might've, but i didn't want it to happen. i miss her a bit, but i miss her family so much more. they were there for me when my own family was not. they always treated me as a part of their family, and i appreciated all the love they gave me. i ran into her parents a few months after we'd stopped being friends, and the three of us cried. i miss them so much. my own father is not a part of my life, so i looked up to hers as my own. her mother always gave me the advice and guidance i needed, and she always knew how to cheer me up. this was my family for almost 12 year, and now i don't have them anymore. i miss them all so much, and every time i tell someone, they say, "it's for the best" or "she was so awful, you shouldn't miss her." even though i shouldn't miss her, i still do. she was apart of my life for over a decade, and i can't get over it within a few months, that doesn't seem possible. how could i just forget how to love someone after years of being in their life? i can't. i don't think it's that easy. i do not know where this is going, so i'm going to stop here. you guys don't have to say anything, i just want to talk about this before my feelings become too much to handle alone.

-lynnie