True North

ONE

Have you ever been held down by what feels like a weight on the inside of your body? It's like you're suffocating at the bottom of a lake or something and your feet and hands are bound. Your chest becomes heavier and tighter as the little bit of oxygen you have left escapes your body slowly. You can feel yourself dying from the inside out. That's what my anxiety feels like. It's as if I'm trying to take a deep breath but all the oxygen is leaving my lungs.

Every time I try to breathe it feels as if my throat is closing. I haven't felt like myself in a year. I lost my dad. That's what made this happen. I guess maybe some part of me always suffered with anxiety a little bit. Not having my mom around. I've always felt like everyone just leaves me. Like I'm not good enough. It's why I'm always making jokes. Always being sarcastic. Always keeping people at arms length.

I don't have any family left now. I mean, I suppose my surrogate of a mother and the other half of my DNA is probably out there somewhere. I think I was maybe three the last time I saw her. I barely remember her though. Not that it matters since she's not around anyways. I've just always had my dad. He's been the only person to care about me for most of my life. And then last year he died and I haven't been able to breathe ever since. I just keep finding myself wondering when I'm going to be able to take a real breath again.

It's been twelve months. Three hundred and sixty five days. Eight thousand seven hundred and sixty hours. Thirty one million, five hundred and thirty six seconds. One year. It has been one year. But it feels like it has been an entire life time. My father always told me that you only need a few things to have a good life and be happy. Family, good friends, and good food. I don't have any family left but I do have some pretty great friends and good food is always just around the corner. My heart breaks just thinking about the one thing that I don't have. The one person I can never get back. The reason for my existence. And I'm trying not to fall apart. I'm trying desperately to keep it together. And I know you aren't supposed to depend on anyone else for your happiness. And now I can't.

It's been a year and I know that people expect me to be at least a little bit better but I'm not even sure if I am better in any way at all. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. But I'm trying. I put on a really good front. I mean really, my acting skills are phenomenal. I'm just faking it til I make it. And yeah, I know that doesn't really work. And I know it's not the most healthy way to handle my issues. But it's the best I've got right now. I'm just figuring things out as I go. Trying to pick up the pieces of the puzzle and put it back together. But you can't put a puzzle back together you've actually lost a piece. Nothing else will fit there. It will forever be incomplete. Unfinished. No longer whole. Do people work like that? Because it kind of feels like we do. Or least it feels like I do.

I don't have anybody to help me through this. I don't have anybody to tell me how to get through this. To teach me how to cope and how to get better. At least I have a few people who make things a little bit easier for me sometimes. But. have to admit that it's a little disheartening to see that they don't see how much I'm hurting. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't so good at pretending I don't feel anything. How much longer can I go on like this before I really don't feel anything?

It's August. The sun is shining right into my room. I feel the warmth of those sun rays on my face and my arms. A feeling that should make me smile. But I have a hard time smiling and enjoying things. Because every single time that I do, I think about my dad and how much he might have enjoyed these same little moments. I rub my eyes and push my hair back away from my face. I lay on my pillow and stare at the ceiling for what seems like ages. I don't have anything to do today and that simple thought makes me want to give up on the idea of getting out of my bed today but that's not an option.

As I'm lost in my thoughts I hear the creaking of the front door of my apartment as it creaks open then closed again. I hear foot steps coming down the hall, getting louder and louder as they get closer to my door. I hear a few quiet taps at my door and some creaking as it is slowly pushed open just enough for Sawyer to peak his head in. He looks at me with his gorgeous light hazel eyes that twinkle in the sun light and some of his hair falls over his left eye as he leans his head to the side. He smirks at me and I can't help but smile back. He hasn't even done anything and yet I feel like I might be able to make it through the day all of a sudden. It's just like my dad said one of the things you need in life are good friends. I've fully understood the extent of that when I met Sawyer. He's been on of the few special people in my life. One of the few people who knows me. Who kind of gets me.

"Good morning, cookie." I roll my eyes as Sawyer walks into my room.

"Nerd." I grumble as I try to pull the blanket over my head before he can get close. But before I can he sits on the edge of the blanket keeping me from covering the hot mess that is my existence.

"I come in peace. And I bring smoothies of the green variety." Sawyer bows like the dork he is. He's always been like this. Overly theatrical. But don't let this little quirk of his fool you because he also has this annoying habit of stating statistics at randoms points and it can drive a person pretty close to murder.

I sit up and pull the soft olive green scrunchie off of my wrist, throwing my mess of curls into a semi functional bun on top of my head. I take a deep breath and sit up in in my bed taking the green smoothie from Sawyer. I stir the straw around in it a few times then take a long slow sip closing my eyes and enjoying all of the fresh fruit and veggie flavors coming together to form the perfect start to my not so perfect morning. I can see Sawyer smiling at me out of the corner of my eye. I can't help but smirk a little because his smiles are infectious. If it weren't for him I think I'd probably be worse off than I am. Sometimes I forget how to breathe; but then I have friends like Sawyer who are like a breath of fresh air.

"You needed that." Sawyer states matter of factly. "I can tell."

"Well, yeah. Cause smoothies are life." I say raising an eyebrow playfully even though I know that's not what he meant.

"You know that's not what I meant." I roll my eyes. "Rough night?"

"I mean. Not so much of a rough night. It's more like I just don't want to start my mornings. I don't want to do anything. I just want to lay here and drown in my thoughts." Sawyer rolls his eyes.

"Jesus, cookie. It's too early for all consuming dark thoughts. Can we at least get ice cream first. Or lunch because I'm starving." I laugh. Sawyer always knows how to make me laugh. That's just one of the many reasons why he's my best friend.

"All jokes aside, if you're having a hard time, I don't care what it is. You know that you can call me. Day or night. I don't care where I am, who I'm with, or what I'm doing. I will be there for you. If you need me to come lay with you in the middle of the night because you're sad or because you've had a nightmare you know that I will do that for you just like I always have. Nothing has ever stopped me before." Sawyer runs his hands through his hair in a way that I can't quite make out what he's feeling. Stress, or guilt maybe?

"Soy, I know. But I'm trying to handle things on my own. And I don't think your girl thing would like it if you were in my bed at night. You're never going to keep a girl if you're always around me. For some reason your girlfriends seem intimidated by me. And I can't for the life of me figure out why but it seems that way." I take another sip of my smoothie.

"You're gorgeous, that's why." Sawyer whispers under his breath.

I don't think I was supposed to hear that. And I don't understand why he would ever say that. I don't feel gorgeous and I'm most certain that he meant it as a friend anyways. Sawyer can have any girl he wants. And I'm sure that I'm not one of them. We're just friends. And we're good friends. And friends is all we'll ever be. Who would even look at me like that? I'm a mess all the way around. But that's what friends are for, right? They try to make you feel good at all costs. Right?