True North

TWO

In order to get myself back to some form of normality I started a blog. Just a way for me to get out my thoughts and feelings where nobody I knew would see them. I kept It anonymous. I pretty much treated it like a diary, at first. As time went on I started to get messages from people. People who could relate to what I was going through or how I was feeling. But then the comments turned into questions. Some personal questions about me and then there were questions to me. People asking me for advice. And I didn't answer them in the beginning. When the questions first started coming I couldn't help but think who am I to give advice? I'm a freaking hot mess. I can't help anybody. I can't even help myself.

I just couldn't understand who would want advice from. Hadn't these people read my posts? Hadn't they seen the depressing loads of bullshit being posted there on the daily? And obviously they had. How else would they know to ask questions related to everything that I was going through? And I guess that somewhere along the way I finally understood why people wanted advice from me. They were searching for the same thing that I was looking for. Someone to confide in. A nonjudgemental outlet. Someone who understood what they were going through. They were looking to speak with someone who could related to their reality. These people just wanted to know that they were not alone in these feelings. Because the dark doesn't have to be such a bad place if you're in good company. Right?

I started out just answering questions that I could relate to. Questions about anxiety, depression, confusion, sadness, loss. But then I started to answer the questions about friendship. I know that subject pretty well. Or at least I'd like to think so. And I think that it was at that point where I started to look at life a little differently. I may have lost my dad, but I didn't have to lose myself too. I had spent so much time feeling like I was alone. Like no one could possibly understand how I felt and what I was going through. And I now realize how stupid that seems now. I am not the only person in the world who has lost someone. I am not the only child who lost a parent. I am not the only daughter who's lost a father. With my inbox full of people who were going through or had already gone through similar trials and tribulations, I realized that we didn't all have to just sit together in the dark. I realized that we could be lights. We could be inspiration. We could lead one another out of the pits of despair and help one another move even if only just a little bit. A little is better than nothing.

With that realization in mind I brightened up my blog. I left the past post there, creating a special link that people could click on. I didn't want to delete all of the things that had started my blog in the first place. Those things lead me to this moment. I wanted to always be able to look back on where I came from and reflect or be reminded of who I am now. I still miss my dad terribly and there is obviously not a day that goes by where I don't think of him. But at least now I'm not crying every time I think about him. I may feel a little sadness here and there but I know that he would be proud of me putting my emotions and my experiences to good use. He would be happy to know that I'm not letting myself go and that I am helping other people. He has always had a soft spot for people. I may not be the most outgoing person when I meet someone face to face but I'm not mean or standoffish. Anxiety is still something that I deal with every single day. I'm still working on it. I don't know if it'll ever been gone, but I'm doing my best in trying not to let it consume me.

Nobody knows about my blog. As I've said before, it is anonymous. Not even my closest friends know about it. Not even Sawyer. I know that we have always promised to tell each other everything but I just couldn't bare to show him who I had truly become at one point. I couldn't bare for him to find out my secrets. This one secret held about a hundred more things that I had hidden from him. Is it lying if he doesn't know about it to begin with? Okay, I'm not a child. I know that it's still lying. In one form or another. I can't bare for him to have looked at me like I was broken. Not again. Not like last time. I can't stand to see him sad. Especially when there is nothing that I can do to make him feel better.

If only you could have seen him at my dads funeral. I was barely there mentally. I didn't speak much that day. I was heart broken. But my eyes had stayed on Sawyer that day. He had stayed by my side through the entire ordeal. And I remember looking at him and seeing all of that hurt in his eyes. All of that pain. And yes, he loved my dad, and yes he knew him well. But I knew that Sawyer's pain was not over the death of my father but over that death of a small part of me. He knew how broken I was. He knew how hurt I had been that day. He could barely meet my eyes without forming a few tears. He did his best to keep from letting those tears escape. He held me closely that entire day. He helped to make sure that I was okay and that everything went smoothly. Then he took me home and he helped me in every way that he could. Wiping the make up from my face in the very way I had always done it myself. He got my favorite sweatpants and a t-shirt both of which had formerly been his some years ago. He turned off the lights and wrapped me in my favorite blanket. Then he wrapped me in his arms without me even needing to ask. He has just always known what I needed. And that same night, he could hear my heavy breathing as I had tried to hold back the pain. He simply whispered in my ear it's okay. And with that I broke down, and so did he. He couldn't bare my broken heart silently. And hearing him cry, only made me cry harder.

Just thinking about that day, that moment; it hurts me to the pits of my soul. I remember it so vividly. I can feel all of those emotions again just thinking about it. I could cry remembering how hurt I had made him. I never want him to feel that way ever again. I know that I can't stop him from ever being sad or hurt but I can do something. I can at least not be the reason why. And that seems like the best idea in mind. I'd like to think that he might think the same. Nobody wants to see their best friend broken down and it be all their fault. I want to prevent the hurt from ever entering his heart. Just like I always have.