True North

SEVEN

Natalie's  P.O.V.

Sawyer held out his hand to help me into the back of Eden's jeep. I do my best not to make eye contact with Dylan. I can feel the tension between him and Sawyer. I don't know what it is. I don't know why they don't like each other. Why Sawyer doesn't like Nico? That I get. That's understandable. Nobody likes Nico. The way that his personality is set up, you'd have better luck getting through to a bag of rocks. And that's just the best way that I can describe it.
Eden pulled her dark sunglasses over her eyes and she put her foot to the gas. I felt the wind in my hair and the sun on my face as we drove. I felt happy and carefree. And for me, these kind of moments don't seem to happen often. Not lately. There are things in life that you just never fully get over. They are still there, in the back of your mind.  And when you're sitting alone somewhere with nothing but your thoughts, those things that you just can't quite get over, they find you. They plant themselves right in the front of your brain. They go from feeling like distant memories to feeling like they just happened five seconds ago right in front of your face. It feels like they are happening for the first time all over again and it sucks and you can't breathe and you're panicking. But not right now. This is not one of those moments. Right now I am outside, breathing in the fresh air and enjoying life. Right now I have my best friends by my side and we are literally on our way to create some new memories. And that's exciting. That's a good thing.

I'm sitting on the left side of the jeep in the back seat. Right behind Eden. I place my right hand down on the space between me and Sawyer. I can feel his eyes on me. He's staring. I don't get it. He just seems so happy. I know he was pretty much over being with Selene but this happiness radiating from him was more than just him being happy that he was free from a toxic relationship. I haven't seen him like this in a long time. And this is good too. Happy Sawyer is by far my favorite kind of Sawyer. And now I'm talking about him like he is a flavor of coffee or something. Really, I can't put into words how good his happiness feels. How it makes me feel. He's so content that I can feel it radiating across the back seat. Hitting me just as hard as the mid August, california sun.

I hadn't realized I had been staring until my eyes begin to focus again and my eyes meet Sawyers. He smiles a lopsided, crooked smile. The left side of his mouth raises as he does so. I wonder what it's like inside of his head. He has everything. Two parents. A sibling. Stability. He's never watched a parent die. He hasn't know loss like I have. As much as I have. Eden either. I have never known what it's like to have two parents. To always have somebody at home when you got there. To have someone always ask about my day simply so I could just say nothing. I've never known that and I never can. Don't get me wrong. My dad was the best. He was my everything. I'm not being ungrateful. I am beyond grateful for what I did have. But it's only human nature to wonder. Wonder what could have been. I wish I didn't wonder. I wish I didn't want to know. But I do. And so it is what it is. I am human. And I am flawed. And I sometimes wonder what could have been. Oh freaking well.

I feel a warm touch on the top of my hand, pulling me out of my thoughts and back to reality. My eyes find our hands and slowly scan up to his face and again our eyes meet. And when they do, it's like a breath of fresh air without even breathing. Funny. Isn't it? How there can this one person who can just bring you back to reality and also make you feel like you're breathing for the first time? I am so lucky to have ever had the opportunity to know this kid. I am so lucky to be able to call him my best friend. He doesn't even know how lucky I feel. He doesn't even know how great he is. And there I go again. Almost losing myself to the wonders of my mind. Almost getting lost in a sea of what ifs, and I wonders, and how comes.

“Come back.” Sawyer speaks quietly.  But loud enough for me to hear him over the wind zooming through the car as we drive with the top down. He's leaned in close to me. Barely any space between us.