True North

ELEVEN

Natalie's P.O.V. 

There's a light breeze hitting me. The smell of the cool morning air flows through my bedroom. A gentle warmth embraces the parts of my skin exposed by my blanket. SlowlyI begin to open my eyes, letting them adjust  to the brightness of the sun streaming into my room through my open window. I rub the sleep from my eyes then run my fingers through my hair. 

“Today’s the day, Nat. Please. Please don’t be an anxious mess.” I whisper to myself after I roll out of my bed. 

I grab the white towel hanging off of the white wooden chair by my desk. I swing the towel over my shoulder and trudge out of my room and into the bathroom shutting the bathroom door behind me. The water falls from the shower head with the perfect amount of pressure as I drop my clothes to the floor and step in. I take the hair tie out of my hair letting my messy bed head fall around my shoulders. Turning around I let the water run down my back and I lean in letting it soak my hair. A deep breath escapes me as I relax into the momentary calm of the shower. 

Ten minutes later I shut the water off and emerge from the shower. Wrapping my towel around my waist I walk up to the bathroom mirror and wipe away the fog. I grab my favorite leave in conditioner from the medicine cabinet and I squirt some into my hands just before putting it in my hair. Dime sized amount my ass. I roll my eyes and giggle to myself a little.

I don’t know what they’re always talking about. I’m hilarious.  I think to myself. I lather my body with some coconut oil before wrapping my towel back around my torso, picking my clothes up off of the floor, and making my way back to my room. 

Okay Natalie James. Today's the day. You're gonna help your friends host the annual bonfire.  You're gonna be surrounded by new people. You are not going to panic. You are not going to cancel. You can do this. You can talk without shaking. You can show your personality without drinking. You do not have to hug yourself to feel safety and comfort. You are okay. You are going to be okay. You can do this. 

I chant aspirations to myself very quietly. Just loud enough so that I'm the only one who can hear them. I say them over and over as I push open the door to my bedroom and take a deep breath in. Safe spaces.

I don't really feel like I have a whole lot of those these days. My room. The beach. I find comfort in Eden. She's kind of a safe space for me. A safe place to fall when I feel like I'm lost or that I can't breathe. She has been one of the few constants in my life. Pre and post the loss of my father.

I'm learning to get on well on my own. But it still hurts and I still miss him a lot sometimes.  He's the only parent that I have ever known. He's the only parent that I will ever know. And he's already gone. Forever.