True North

TEN

Natalie’s P.O.V.

Being at the beach gave me a whole new perspective. I know that it has been over a year since I lost my father but it had also been over a year since I lost myself. I had allowed that sadness to all but consume me entirely. There was a tiny piece of me that kept popping up every so often. Thanks to my friends. They kept me afloat. Just enough for me to want to find myself again. Just enough for me to keep my head above water and my eyes on the shore line. I had used the beach solely to remember my father. To let my teardrops fall into the ocean and pretend that my sadness had been washed away forever; only to feel it all again the next day.           

I no longer want to live my life that way. I don’t want to be struck by clouds of darkness when there is only light in the sky. I don’t want to go to the beach where I see people exuding with happiness, only for me to feel despair. Only to temporarily release my heartache. My sadness is temporary. It will only last as long as I let it. It will only consume me if I let it. I don’t want the light to be ripped from my eyes and the happiness to pour out of my heart. I want to be the happy, lighthearted Natalie that everyone used to know. I want to be me again. And while still I refuse to let my friends feel my every ache and pain; while I still feel that my problems are my own and that nobody should have to bare it with me or for me, I can write it out right here.

Where you don’t know me and I don’t know you. But what I do know is that I am not alone even if it feels that way sometimes. And while my friends love and support me in every way that they know how, they don’t know this pain and I never want them to. But I know that there are people out in this world, and maybe you’re reading this right now, and you do know how this feels. You know what it’s like to suffocate in an empty room. You know what it’s like to want to hate someone for leaving you though they did not have a choice. And you know what it’s like to miss someone who left you when they did have a choice. I hate to think that there are people who know what I’m going through and understand what I’m feeling because it is a terrible pain and an awful burden. But just know, you do not bare it alone.

So never feel alone. And know that you can always talk to me. Completely anonymous. And I’ll read every single word. And I’ll read them judgement free.

Sincerely,
-N

Today I went to the beach with a different purpose. I went there without sad thoughts in mind. I didn’t even plan it. I just ended up there. Like the ocean called to me and my soul answered. As ridiculous as that may sound. But it reminded me of who I once was and who I could be. I had always gone to the beach to mourn. But why? Why was I only living my life in bouts of sadness? Why was I subconsciously choosing to only remember my dad at his end? He had an entire life. We had so many good moments together. Why had I allowed my mind to focus on the heartbreak? I don’t know. Maybe I needed to do that for a while. Everything happens for a reason. Whether we know what that reason is or not. I like to think that there always is one. Some cosmic because or something, perhaps. I don’t really know what the reasons is for everything that I had to go through to get to my current thought process. Or maybe I do. Could I have gotten to this point otherwise? Would I still be jumping back into my anonymous blog if I had decided not to be sad from the very moment that my father was lowered into the ground? Honestly, I don’t think so. I think I had to go through everything that I went through because those moments happened the way that they needed to happen to put me exactly where I am right now.

I may not know where I'm going, but I know where I am and I know where I want to be and that's a start. I know that my dad wouldn't want me to live my life feeling this way. Struggling to breathe at the mention of his passing or simply at the thought of him. And I know that he would want me to be better. To be stronger. In the best way that I possibly could be. I know that I am better than this broken shell of a mess that I have allowed myself to become. I don't want to internally freak out everytime a stranger tries to talk to me or every time I have to endure a somewhat large group of people.  That's not living. I have got to make some changes. It's time.