Paralyzed [Nouis]

Chapter 10 // Niall

I'm somewhat glad that car hit me. It hurt, sure, and it hurt a lot before my body shut down and went numb. My mind stayed awake, though. When they operated on me, to stop all of my internal bleeding, I could hear them talking- rushed, panicked, and maybe even confused. I couldn't really tell, though. I was only half-awake.

I don't wanna be alive anymore, and that's the good part of the car hitting me. I hope I don't wake up. I hope my body stays dead forever and that they'll pull the plug on me soon and let me die. I really don't want this coma to blow over. I want it to stay. I want them to give up on me. I want my brain to fail.

Even if I do wake up, I'll be weak. I can pull out the wires that are attached to my arms. I can stop the flow of chemicals into my body, the ones that are keeping me alive right now and will keep me alive if I wake up, weak until my body grows strong again.

I thought about it more, what I could do if that didn't work. I sorted out my options, and it only took me a while to think of them. I found out I had quite a few, and that would have made me smile if my mouth would move.

I can overdose on pills. I know I've got sleeping pills at home. All of the boys do. They're for if we can't sleep one night and we need to. If we had to wake up early for an interview and we couldn't sleep, we would just take one or two sleeping pills and be out like a light in almost no time.

I could jump off a building. The boys and I travel all over the world,  I'm bound to find a tall building somewhere. I can put a hood up over my hair and sunglasses over my eyes to disguise myself. I can pretend to actually be doing something and find a wa to the roof. Nobody would stop me, especially not if I ran.

If none of that works, I can starve myself. It won't be difficult. We're almost always touring or doing something. The boys won't notice. They'll be too busy trying to keep up with out hectic lives to notice poor little Niall Horan's not eating.

I can also keep cutting until I hit a vein. I'll lock myself in the bathroom late at night while the other boys are sleeping with sleeping pills in their bellies, keeping them asleep. I can cut too deep and bleed out. They won't find me until morning, and by then, it'll be too late.

I just want to die. I want to kill the pain of not having Louis. I want to finally be able to give up. It's odd to think about now, considering I'd never given that much thought into dying. I'm doing to die one day, anyways, and the boy who was supposed to be my soulmate will be off with someone else. Why not just end it here?

I'm sick of my life. I'm tired of living in pain. I'm tired of cutting every day, risking the fact that any one of the boys could hear me screaming and crying away all of the pain, trying to rid myself of it. I'm tired of pretending I'm alright. I'm tired of punching my walls to get my anger out. I'm tired of breaking down in tears as I realize just how pathetic I actually am. I'm sick of being so fucked over one boy. I'm sick and tired of everything.

I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. The words repeated in my head over and over and over, like a broken record reminding me that I'm not happy and I will never be happy if I keep living. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.