Paralyzed [Nouis]

Chapter 11 // Louis

Flashback

We'd called a nurse almost as soon as we'd seen Niall's wrists, as if she were supposed to make them magically go away or tell us why Niall's been hurting himself. The cuts weren't going to affect if Niall would wake up or not. I'm still not sure why we called the nurse. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

"Niall's been cutting himself." Harry said as soon as the nurse walked in. He pointed to Niall's wrists, at the pink and white and even a few red scars littering his pale skin. "We think so, anyways. It doesn't seem likely they'd be from anything else."

The nurse stepped forward to see Niall's wrist properly. She picked up Niall's hand to examine them closer, squinting, even. She seemed to be thinking, and that made me slightly nervous. I'm not sure why.

"I think you may want to look into therapy if he wakes up." The nurse said, running a finger over one of the scars. "These do seem like scars of self harm. Perhaps he wasn't trying to kill himself, but it may get to that point if he doesn't seek kelp soon."

Silently, we all nodded. I can't imagine what was going through the other boys' minds, but I could guess it was the same thing as me. I honestly couldn't believe I hadn't noticed Niall was hurting himself. I felt so disappointed in myself. How had I not seen those scars? How had I not noticed all the times Niall must have escaped us to go do this to himself? How had I not noticed Niall was sad, possibly even depressed? My throat felt dry, and I wanted the floor to swallow me up. I was in love with the boy for fuck's sake, and I didn't notice he was hurting.

The nurse gave us a small, sad smile, seeing the pained look on our faces. I liked this hospital. The nurses weren't all fake pity and fake sympathy. They actually took our feelings into condierations, as far as I could tell anyhow.

"I'm so sorry, boys." She said. She gave Harry's arm a small pat of comfort. "I know this must be difficult. We'll do everything and anything we can to keep your friend living, but, unfortunately, there's no guarantees."

And she left, leaving us some time with Niall, each other, and our own painful thoughts.

End of Flashback

It's been a month since that day, and I still feel like utter shit for not noticing Niall was depressed. How could I not? I was supposed to know him best, and it was bad enough that I didn't. Now here we are. Niall's in a coma, depressed and maybe even suicidal, and I'm here safe at home. Safe and, okay, not happy, but I'm still better than however Niall's doing.

I feel like I'm losing it, honestly. With everything that's happening, I just can't take it. I've been locking myself in Niall's room. I haven't been coming out to eat, and thank god Niall's got his own bathroom so I can at least shower and not stink up his room. I can't sleep, either, so I end up just sitting on his bed at three o'clock, unable to sleep.

What makes everything worse is I don't know if Niall's gonna be okay or not. I'd probably feel better if I knew that Niall was gonna wake up, but I don't actually know that. I don't know if he's going to wake up and come back to the band. I don't know if he'd gonna wake up and come back home. He could die, for all I knew, and I wasn't exactly okay with that thought.

I always try to convince myself that he is going to be okay. He's going to come home soon and I'll gather up enough courage to tell him how I feel. I'll confess how long I've loved him and he'll either love me back or he won't. If he does, I'll be able to hold him and kiss him and tell him how much I love him every day- maybe all at the same time. He'll swallow up my words and I'll walk him to therapy every day. I'll hold his hand and kiss his cheek and tell him he's gonna get better really, really soon.

Then I realize that's all a fantasy, and that will never happen. I try to push away those negative thoughts but it's like negative comments, one sticks out from a hundred positive things and it's so overwhelming. Sometimes it takes me a moment to catch my breath again. It's like having fun on vacation then suddenly being pulled into an ocean of black, polluted water.

Tears found their way into then out of my eyes. My throat went dry, but I didn't lose my breath. It felt raw and painful. The rest of my body went numb, leaving the pain in my head, chest, and throat that much more painful. My heart's been feelin like it's crumbling, too, lately, and another little piece broke off, falling to my ribs and exploding into dust.

Stop crying. He'll be alright. You'll admit you love him and you'll finally be happy. You'll walk him to therapy, you'll kiss his cheek, you'll hold himand kiss him and tell him how much you love him all at once. I tried to tell myself these things again, but I just didn't listen. I couldn't.

I tried not to let my mind drift to the evil part of my brain, which had formed somewhere in the two months that Niall's been in a coma. The evil part that told me Niall was gonna die, and that I would follow soon behind. The evil part that told me I would go to Hell for being selfish and stupid, and that I would never see Niall again after he died. I told myself not to think about that, closing my eyes and forcing myself out of that part of my mind.

I'm losing my grip. I know I am, and I know if Niall dies, I won't get it back. If he dies, I'll die from insanity. That's how I've decided I'm going to go out. I won't have to kill myself. I'll let insanity do it for me.