Paralyzed [Nouis]

Chapter 13 // Louis

It's been another month. I've gone to visit Niall every single day. It's so hard to push myself away from him, too. I have to tell myself everyday that I'll be able to see him again the next day, that he'll still be here, waiting for me, but it's still just so hard to push myself away.

I don't care that he's as pale as a ghost, I don't care that he looks abnormally skinny- he's still the most beautiful person on earth. There's absolutely no denying that. Niall Horan is beautiful. No matter what.

Today, I'm gonna go see him again. I'm pulling on my shoes right now, in fact. The nurses are gonna tell me how he's doing. I hope they have good news for me. I could really use that as of right now.

-•-

I sat next to Niall as a nurse came in. I squeezed his hand and looked up at her.

"How is he?" I asked, hoping, silently praying for the best. I found myself smiling a bit when she smiled.

"His level of brain activity seems to be rising fairly quickly. We think, if he stays improving at this rate, he may be able to wake up within a few days. Possibly even tomorrow." She said.

My smiled widened, and my heart felt lighter in my chest. This was first time I haven't had to fake a smile.

Niall's getting better. He'll be back at home soon. He'll be walking and talking and hopefully smiling.

"Thank you." I said. She nodded a 'you're welcome' and left me alone with him.

"Did you hear that Niall? Well, probably not, but you might wake up soon." I said quietly, leaning towards him. "I hope you wake up soon, Nialler. I miss you so much."

I chuckled. "I love you. Oh god, Niall, I love you so much. I really wish you knew that."

I squeezed his hand. "I wish you knew just how much I loved you. And if you love me like I love you, how the others said you loved me, then I've been so blind. They say you're in love with me, just like how I'm in love with you."

I reached out and stroked his cheek, smiling at the fact it wasn't as cold as it usually was. He didn't feel like ice anymore. He felt warm and relaxing.

"I could sit here and stare at you all day. I don't care if you're more pale than usually or extremely thin or weak. You're still so beautiful."

I kissed his cheek (like I did every day), my eyes fluttering shut (like they always did) and smiled slightly. Everything was the same as every other day, but somehow, it all get different. I didn't feel dead inside anymore.

"I just don't know what to say, Niall. There's so much to say about you, I just . . . I don't know where to start." I sighed.

"Start with how much you love him." Someone said. The voice came from behind me, so I turned to look. Harry was standing there, smiling at Niall and I. I smiled back, but I didn't have to force it.

I nodded before turning back to Niall, still stroking his cheek.

"N-Niall," I started, my voice cracking. Way to be weak, Tomlinson "I love you so, so much. It hurts me, how much I love you. I know I probably sound stupid, but . . . you can't hear me anyways, right? You never do, but I'm not blaming you. I'm an idiot for not telling you sooner, and I feel selfish that it took you getting hit by a car to realize I have to tell you. I have to tell you before . . . before I lose you."

I paused for a moment, catching my breath. "I know someone is gonna sweep you off your feet one day. Maybe it won't be me."

I paise again, but it wasn't to catch my breath this time. "You'll probably find the one someday. Someone right for you. I . . . I know it'll hurt me, but I'll let you go. I'll live through each day as long as you're happy. Okay? All I want is for you to be happy. I don't want you to do this."

I trailed my fingers over his scars again. They were healing now, as he hadn't been awake to deepen them.

"I wish I knew why you did this. I wish I would have noticed these. I wish you would tell me, so I can make whatever nightmare you're having go away. I just want to help you. . . . I don't know what else to do."

I ran a hand through his messy, knotted hair. My hand felt warm after that. He was always so warm.

"I wish you would wake up. I don't care if I don't get to kiss you, I don't care if I don't get to hold you, I just want to see your eyes. I want to see your eyes sparkling, like the always do."

I pouted. "I see you're in pain now. You were so good at hiding it, but I wish you wouldn't hide it. Not from us, at least."

I ran my thumb over his knuckles. "I want to know why you're always so sad, so hurt, so broken. I just want to know."

A tear slipped out of my eye. I didn't bother wiping it away. "You're so amazing, Niall. I hate seeing someone as amazing as you so hurt. It kills me."

I stopped for a few moments, trying to think of what to say next. I closed my eyes and lay my head on the bed.

"I love you Nialler." I whispered. I lay there for a moment, then I lifted my head and got up, kissing his forehead.

"I'll be back tomorrow." I whispered, smiling a small smile at him past my stupid tears.

I gently put Niall's hand down and walked over to Harry, glancing back at Niall for a second before taking Harry's hand and walking out of the hospital with him.

-•-

When we got home I gave Harry a hug, thanking him for being there when I was weak, and went straight into Niall's room, flopping down on his bed.

I've lost weight. I've lost a lot of it, actually. You can almost see my bones (not literally, but I'm pretty skeletal).

I do try to eat every day. I'm making a really big effort to get myself out of bed, to eat something, but eating reminds me of Niall.

You might think it's good to think of Niall, but right now, it's really not. When I think of Niall, I think of how broken he is, how many scars I saw on his wrists, how pale he is, the fact that he's not here, eating with me.

It's hard for me to sleep at night as well, because I know how Niall loves sleeping as much as he loves food. It kills me. Everything I do, or think about, brings my thoughts straight to Niall. Cold, pale, nearly lifeless Niall.

Then I cry, and crying reminds me of how Niall gets upset when people cry. So I cry harder, and harder, and sometimes, I fall asleep, or black out from being so lightheaded.

It's really hard to think anymore. I try to think about happy stuff, but again, I remember how Niall used to be happy, and my thoughts trail straight back to Niall.

And I start crying.

It's impossible. I try to empty my mind, but then I'm just staring at the ceiling, and I realize just how hopeless I am.

Then my mind begins racing, and I remember how I'm trying to keep myself healthy, and stop being weak. I have to be strong for Niall, and stop pitying myself.

And so I start crying again.

The tears almost never stop. My throat is aways raw and stinging, so when I go to talk to Niall, my voice is hoarse. It's horrible. I can't even speak to Niall right.

I know I'm hopeless. I know I'm pathetic. I know I'm losing my mind. And I know Niall deserves so much better. I just don't know what to do anymore.