The horizon and the balcony

Chapter two

Alexander never came to bed. Sometime between 4:00am and Dawn he shut himself in his office. How could he be so stupid to let his feelings get the best of him? He thought back to the night prior and sighed, he shouldn't have told Lafayette that.

He's already been given the lecture from John multiple times about the balcony but he can't help himself, it's like a gravitational pull and he always seems to find himself back there.

When he was sat up there it was like the horizon between this world and the sky seemed to merge. If he tried hard enough he could almost get a peak to the other side. Was it peaceful on the other side? Would he end up on the more unpleasant end of the other side? Would his mother be waiting for him on the other side?

There were so many opportunities for him to die but he was still alive, why? What made him so different from everyone else that he got to live? His mother always told him that death didn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints, it just takes and takes and takes. Why didn't it take him?

There was a rapid knocking on the door that ripped him out of his day dream almost throwing him into a panic.

No balcony,no horizon,no mo-

"Alexander!" The voice was clear as day.

Now a new panic set in the pit of his stomach. The knocking only got louder practically turning into banging.

He looked at the clock 7:00am, that means Laf had already left for work. When Laf leaves for work that means-

"Alexander fucking Hamilton open the fucking door!"That means John was awake and despite the time he was livid.

"Alexander I swear to god I will bust this shit open!"he screamed, despite the thick wood between them his voice was clear as day. That strong Brooklyn accent that attracted him years ago was now in full affect.

Alex slowly got up and unlocked the door quickly backing away, just as he expected the door was swung wide the force leaving a dent in the wall.

"Come here"John said completely calm. Alex took a cautionary step forward and was soon pulled in a vice like grip against his partners chest.

"Y-you son of a bitch!"John exclaimed burying his face in Alexander's neck leaving him almost stunned. This is anything but what he expected.

Instead of yelling at him John was...breaking down? That was the only way to explain it, his face was bright red as tears streamed carelessly.

"Y-you w-were going t-to leave me!"he screamed and gripped onto the front of Alex's shirt almost falling to his knees. Alex acted quick and and wrapped an arm around his waist.

"After everything we been through you was just gonna leave me!"he screamed. Alexander sighed, he would much prefer a lecture.

"John..."he started but John wiped his face and held a hand up.

"Don't you think I tried Alex? Huh? Don't you tried to take the easy way out?"

Alexander couldn't believe what he was hearing. John was so strong and easy going, he could be a hard ass but...this is not what he expected.

"I wanted to, I wanted to bad but I thought of you Alexander! I thought of what I would be throwing away and if it means I gotta deal with the fucked up shit I been through just to be with you I would choose you a million fucking times!"he screamed.

Now he was mad.

"You were going to throw it all away huh? I'm a wreck right now and so is Princess and Hunky, imagine if you actually did it? Alexander you are my home and trust and believe I could not go on with you"he said and pulled away cupping the smaller mans cheeks.

"I...I wasn't going to do it"Alexander said weakly, he was feeling too much and too little under the gaze of John.

"But you wanted to huh?"he asked finally lowering his voice.

"I've considered it once or twice..."he said as the distance between them grew smaller.

"Is it because I don't how much I care enough?...i-is this one on me? Because I can do so much better-"he started as tears reappeared in his eyes.

"No no no, it's not on you...it's been a hard few weeks for me. Last week was...."Alex started but soon trailed off as tears blurred in his vision. He could say it in his head all he wanted but saying the words out loud proved difficult.

"I-I wasn't there to protect you"John said his voice cracking as a tear slid down his cheek.

"Protect me from what baby?"Alex asked wiping the tear with his thumb.

"Protect you from yourself Alex, I've always been there for you when this happened since the day we met a-and I wasn't..."he said.

"I understand that you're busy John, I don't blame you but I can admit it was a bit harder to um...cope"he said choosing his words carefully, could he even call it coping? He spent the entire day locked up in his office sobbing and trying to distract himself with anything and everything he could muster.

"No Alex you're more important than my work and I need you to believe that...I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you"John said.

Alexander stood in silence trying to soak it all in. John took this as a sign to keep talking.

"Listen I-I know I don't say this often enough, call it the toxic masculinity or the internationalized homophobia but I-"he said and it's like a song that was paused prematurely, he couldn't get the words out.

"Take your time"Alex said quietly.

John couldn't say the words no matter how hard he tried. His body trembled and his face turned beet red as he let out a scream of frustration and turned away punching the wall repeatedly. He let out a cry of agony as his knuckles bruised but he couldn't stop, he fucking deserved it. Why couldn't he say three simple words? He knew he loved Alexander but saying or even hearing the words physically made him ill, he could reference the time him and Hercules were getting busy and he threw up due to those twisted beautiful words.

The sound of feet rapidly hitting the hardwood floor came from down the hall and there he stood at the door frame as though thinking about him could cause a physical manifestation.

"Alexander is he...?"he asked and Alex simply nodded staring blankly at the ground. He wanted to help but right now he was running on empty.

Hercules swooped in and grabbed John at the waist who was still punching and kicking as he sobbed and mumbled to himself.

"Hey hey hey John, it's me Herc"he cooed softly in his ear. He kept repeating it until John recognized his voice and slowly started to calm down. His chest heaved and his face paled.

"I-I need!"he said quickly.

Hercules quickly grabbed the waste bin and handed it to John who buried his face in it throwing up. He quickly set John to his feet and took a step back giving him his space.

After a few minutes John's head reappeared and he wiped the corner of his lip wincing.

"It was bad this time wasn't it?"he said and chuckled weakly assessing the damage. His knuckles were raw and blood dripped down his hand, he looked up at the wall and saw he had barely made quite the dent.

"Herc...I'm sorry-"he started but Hercules held his hand up.

"I've been dating you for almost six years, you don't have to explain yourself to me"he said. John nodded and looked at Alexander.

"I tried to help..."he said pathetically.

"Shhh I know you did, he's dissociating right now. I'm going to go put him to bed and then I'm going to come and wrap your hands up, okay?"he said. John nodded weakly and Hercules took a few strides and leaned down kissing his forehead.

"I care about you deeply"he said with the upmost seriousness.

"I care about you too hunky"John said and it seems as though even for a second he had that familiar playful glint in his eyes.

Hercules smiles and grabbed Alexander throwing him over his shoulder and walking towards the bedroom.

John sighed and rubbing his knuckles.

How were they going to tell Lafayette about this?