Paper Wings

Chapter 3

I don't understand. I don't understand why people celebrate the start of a new year. I mean really, nothing special happens, it's just another day. Like congratulations you made it! A whole year of accomplishing absolutely nothing... Now the new year resolution thing, that really gets me going. As far as I'm concerned it's just a stupid lie people tell themselves. Sometimes people can do it for a week or maybe even a month if they try really hard. With the exception of a few who get halfway through the year. Now I think if you really want something you wouldn't wait for it. Waiting for a new day, week, month, or year is just another excuse people give themselves. If you wanted something that badly you'd start the second you decide you want it.
     The sun peers through the blinds on my window. Burning my unopened eyelids. I don't want to move, all consciousness brings me is immense pain. I want to coax myself back into sleep. But it's no use. The alarm on my phone beeps at me signaling that is time for my lazy self to get out of bed for my morning workout. I find it sort of funny that I no longer need that alarm to wake myself in the mornings, my body is programmed to a strict schedule that I follow. I rub my eyes before opening them. I slowly sit up in bed and brace myself for daily events. I move myself to the floor so I can start my morning routine with some basic stretches. As I reach for my toes I see my ankle. I completely forgot about it. 
     "Lovely." I scowl. It's the color of a small ripe plum. I can't let this get in my way I thought. I make my way to the closest in search of an ace wrap or something to stabilize my ankle. I reach for a pink shoebox buried deep under some blankets of mine. I pull it out and spill the contents onto the floor. Painkillers and diet pills among other things are spilled across the light grey carpeting. I thought I used to have some bandages in here but they aren't where I remembered them. I let out a sigh and shake my head. Guess that means I won't be out running today. I'll have to improvise. I gather my things back into the small pink shoebox and save those items for a rainy day.
     I sit at the edge of my bed and pull back my hair into a ponytail. Suddenly my stomach grumbles. At first, it makes me feel powerful like I'm doing something right. But then I feel guilty about enjoying the self-inflicted pain.
     Should I allow myself some breakfast this morning?
     It has been three days since I last ate.
Eating a little wouldn't hurt me.
     I let myself sit with the thought for a moment.
I could use some extra energy.
     I make my way to the kitchen still in last nights dirty running outfit. Our kitchen is huge, way bigger than any kitchen should be. I tiptoe around to avoid making noise and drawing more attention to myself. I open the pristine white cabinets and reach for the instant oats and along with that, I get a measuring cup, small spoon, and a bowl. I put 1/3 a cup of oats into the bowl with some water and put it in the microwave for roughly a minute. While it's cooking I go to the fridge to get blueberries. I read somewhere that blueberries are supposed to cleanse your system, so I pick out the best five of the bunch and put the rest back. I carefully placed the blueberries in an orderly fashion on top of the plain oatmeal. I pull out a stool and sit down at the clean marble counter with my meal. I sit with it at first, trying to let my brain analyze the current situation. Slowly I start taking bites with sips of water in between each spoonful. Each bite feels so wrong.
     Maybe I shouldn't be doing this...
     I taste the natural sugars on my tongue and become overwhelmed. Suddenly I feel an intense wave of nausea. I am going to be sick.
     Calories, I forgot to count the calories!
     How many calories are in this?
     Quickly I calculate the number of calories for the meal. Oats 123 calories. There are 1.3 calories in a single blueberry and I had five so that makes 6.5 calories total for the blueberries. The water is zero calories. That means all together this is 129.5 calories!
     Appalled at the number I spit what's left in my mouth back into the bowl.
     How did you forget to count the calories?
     Stupid!
     What have I  done?
     I can't believe that I thought I would somehow be okay with eating this!
     I take the entire bowl and throw it in the trash can, spoon and all. I couldn't care less how much money my mother spent on that entire dining ware set. I run up the stairs despite the pain shooting through my ankle. The second I enter my room I slam the door and fall to the floor.
      FAT!
     YOU ARE FAT!
     What is wrong with me, I just can't control myself can I?
     This is why I am ugly and disgusting!
     No wonder no one wants me...
     I sob hysterically into the sleeves covering my hands. I want to scream, but I can't even breathe. I look like a beached whale flailing around breathlessly trying to make it back to the ocean before the sun burns me to death. I rip my ponytail out and my messy hair falls in my face sticking to the saltwater that stains my cheeks.
     129.5 calories.
     129.5 calories.
     129.5 CALORIES!
     The thoughts are too much. The voice in my head is relentless and I can't bear it any longer. I clench my hands into blazing red fists raising them into the air. With everything I have left I slam them down on my legs. Over and over again. And then something happens. Something wonderful. The thoughts subside. For a moment my mind is clear.
     The pain feels good and I can't help feeling like I deserved it.
     I never should have let myself eat breakfast.
     I stare at the huge blotches of deep red on my legs from beating them.
     You did this to yourself.
     It's your fault.
     I stare blankly. lost in my mind. I don't understand why I eat. It doesn't make me feel better. Quite the opposite actually, I feel worthless when I eat. The more food I put in my stomach the worse the thoughts get. I should just stop eating altogether.
     I don't need to eat.
     Besides my body has plenty of fat it needs to burn.