Paper Wings

Chapter 2

     "Get down here now, you are going to make me late!" My mother hollers up the stairwell.
I scurry down the hall stumbling over my own two feet. I don't want to face my mother. I don't want to tell her that I won't be attending the New Years party this evening. I don't want to hear the disgust in her voice. I want to hide under my blankets like a child afraid of the dark. I approach the scene cautiously, she doesn't seem to be in a good mood. I think I already know how this is going down.

    "Eleanor, what is that you are wearing? You will not be going to the party dressed in jeans!" She shouts.
"Mom," I started, but she ignores me and continues to tell me off.
"And I thought I told you to get rid of that sweater, that thing is hideous. Put on your nice dress clothes and for God's sake hurry up Eleanor!" She demands.
"I-I-I-m," I stutter
"You what Eleanor?"
"I'm not going... I have the stuff to do."
"What did you just say?"
"I said I can't go to the party."
"You should stop making nonsense excuses, they don't work on me. I don't even know why I bother with you Eleanor, you'd only embarrass our family anyway." She huffs slamming the door in disapproval.
I stand to stare at the front door. I don't feel anything, not even anger. That should have made me angry. A normal person would have been pissed or would have felt something at least! But me what do I feel? Nothing. I am hollow. Empty.
I feel a buzzing in my fingertips and my hands begin to shake. The thoughts start to rush in.
You'd only embarrass our family.
     That thought plays on a loop. It's like a broken record. My body starts trembling. You failed again. Well I mean I shouldn't be surprised after all my special ability in life is being able to inevitably mess everything up. That's the one thing I can truthfully say I am good at.
At this point, my whole body is humming. I quickly walk to the upstairs bathroom, while tying my hair back into a bun. I turn to the mirror in an attempt to see any progress I've made, but I see none. All I see is fat. It's everywhere I can't escape it. I trace my finger over my ribs and hip bones. It's not enough. They need to be more visible. I make a circle around my wrist with my thumb and index finger. There needs to be a bigger gap between my wrists and fingers. I feel nauseated. At that moment I wanted to puke. but it's useless I have no food in my stomach. In fact, I haven't eaten in over forty-two hours. I start to feel all hot and sweaty. I know what needs to be done. I sprint to my room to throw on a pair of shorts and my good running shoes. I guess my run this morning wasn't sufficient. I need to burn more calories.
The second my feet hit the pavement I'm off. I'll run my usual two-mile path to Eastwood High and back. It's very very cold out here, but it burns more calories so I like it that way. The sound of gravel shifting under my feet calms me immediately. I head off into the trail through the woods. It's so dark I should have thought to bring a flashlight, too late now. I wish that I could just enjoy running but I can't it's something that I have to do. It's not a choice anymore.
     I start to feel aching in my sides. I'm beginning to slow down and my breathing gets heavy. It's way too early in my run to be feeling this way. I have to keep going I can't stop now.
Are you going to mess this up too?
Don't you want to be thin and beautiful?
     I pick up the pace moving faster, I break into a full out sprint. It's like I'm in a race against myself. I try to stay ahead and keep a good distance, but you can't run away from something that lives inside you.
     My foot catches on a root and down in the dirt I go. I hit the ground hard. I even slid a few feet in the process. For a moment I'm just laying there, I don't want to move. I feel a dull throbbing in my right ankle it's not to bad though. I brace myself knowing that I have to turn around now.
Ha you're so weak you can't even finish your run!
     I crawl onto my knees, pulling myself up using a tree to steady myself. I can't run with my ankle it'll only make it worse.
   It's a dreary walk home but I've finally made it. I open the front door. This house is huge it has white carpeting and grey marble everything. It's so clean, everything is in its place, everything belongs and it's perfect. It's a place people would only ever see in magazines. You'd never know that four people actually live here.
Walking up the stairs takes the last bit of energy right out of me. I lay in my bed, dirt and shoes still on. I take out my phone to look at the clock it's ten pm. In two hours it will be a new year. People are celebrating with food, music, and expensive wine. I think about my mother and the fake smile she must be wearing right now. Sitting in a beautiful picture-perfect mansion with some fake people she calls friends. I think of my brothers probably off partying hard having the time of there lives. I think about everyone making there New Year's resolutions about how they will eat healthier and be happier with themselves. Everyone is living fearlessly, they never need to worry. I lay still in bed as water wells up in my eyes. Silent tears hit my pillow because the only thing I want this year is to be skinny.