words to you, my muse

11/11/18 1:44pm (my favorite entry)

vulnerable

growing up after my parent's divorce was hard. I was 3 at the time, so I didn't really understand what was happening, but I had to mature at a very young age because of this. So, by the time I was 7, I made a pact to myself. I told myself I wouldn't love anyone. I wouldn't give my heart to someone, because it makes me so vulnerable. that person owns my heart. if you own my heart, you own every part of me. you control me. if you have that much power over me, you can easily hurt me. I don't want to feel the way my mom did when she found my dad cheating on her.

in the back of my mind, I knew that not everyone in the world would be like my dad. not everyone would hurt me. but I had to protect myself. it made me a shy person, even though I already was, and I hated opening up to others. as I got older, I realized that I could find friendships in people who wouldn't use me, so I became more confident, outspoken, and loud.

I still had that promise burned into my brain, though.

I wouldn't fall in love. Yes, I had little crushes, but at the end of the day, my heart belonged to no one.

until you came into my life.

and I broke my promise.

I'm in love with you.

I never thought that my heart would be able to feel something like the way it feels for you. I knew I was capable of love, I was just too scared to feel it, to admit it. I feel so vulnerable, but at the same time, I feel good. I feel good because I love when my heart aches for you. when it skips a beat when I hear your voice. when my hands get shaky as I catch your gaze. when my face turns red when someone mentions you. I feel good that I get to experience it. I feel good that I get to smile stupidly to myself when I see you.

its a fulfilling thing so, thank you.

for being my change, my muse,

for being my first love.