Forever and Always

Chapter 25: Pinky Promise

|| C a r o l i n e ||

It was now closer to midnight, and Madi and I were heading out. After such a long, eventful, and emotional night, I needed to go home and sleep.

All I needed right now was to go to Madi's house and sleep. To forget about this day.

I wasn't going to lie and pretend like everything was alright. It was the complete opposite, in fact.

Disgusted, disappointed, and ashamed were only a handful of emotions I felt towards myself. I couldn't grasp what I had just done.

I had let my guard down. In essence, a good portion of my past had been shared with twelve, complete strangers. All because I felt bad.

For the record, I did feel bad, and guilty, for that matter. I'll admit, there were countless nights this past week in which I didn't sleep, my mind preventing me from doing so. I couldn't stop thinking about the guys, how much I had hurt them. If anything, my actions probably hurt their feelings.

But I didn't mean to...

I didn't mean to flinch whenever someone touched me. I didn't mean to get so scared over the smallest things. I didn't mean to react so violently when my past memories were triggered. Believe me, none of that was my intention.

"Care, what's wrong", Madi said, looking at me out of the corner of her eye as she drove me to her house.

Damn you Madi and you're unnatural ability to know when I'm upset

"Nothing, Mads", I mumbled, and gave her a smile, hoping to convince her that I was ok. Even though I wasn't.

"Don't give me that. What's wrong?", she asked again, in a more serious tone.

I sighed, and leaned my head on the window.

"I'm such a screw up, Mads. I literally just told my entire secret to twelve guys that I barely know all because I felt guilty. I let fucking guilt talk me into telling them the not personal part of my past. What's wrong with me", I said, and felt a few tears of frustration slip.

"I don't know what's happening, I never let my guard down. Ever. Madi what did I do", I said between sobs, unable to cope with the reality of what I had done.

Twelve, complete strangers knew the most personal part of my past. And it was all my damn fault.

"Care, listen. You're very sweet and you can't help it you felt bad over something like this. You couldn't bare with the thought of someone else hurting, so you gave them a reason not to. It's not your fault", Madi said sympathetically, keeping her eyes on the road as she coaxed me.

"If it makes you feel any better, I let my guard down too. I'm letting Matt break down my walls little by little. He's seen all my scars, which you know I don't show to anyone. I'm letting him in Care, and I don't know what to do either", she said.

I could clearly hear the distress in her voice. Madi, like me, wasn't likely to let anyone in.

For all the time I've known her, Madi hasn't been very trusting. With the exception of myself, she never tells anyone anything. All her secrets and thoughts usually remain in her head, or in mine if I'm lucky.

"Care, what if we're ready to try again. Maybe it's time we let someone in. Think about it. We've spent the past few years of our lives shutting people out. What if this is out opportunity to start over, to find someone that's worthy of being let in", Madi said.

She had a point. We had spent the last few years shutting people out, afraid to let someone in. Afraid of our walls breaking down. Afraid of vulnerability. Just afraid.

"Maybe you're right Mads, and maybe you're not. I don't know if I'm ready yet, but I think you are. It's so evident that Matt truly cares about you, and I think he's worth trusting. If you're ready Mads, then go ahead. Let him in", I said, looking at Madi for a response.

She took a moment to process it, and then replied.

"I think I'm ready. It may not be easy, but I'm going to try. But if I'm going to, promise me something."

"Anything", I said.

"Promise me you'll do the same. I want you to be happy, Care. You've spent your whole life ensuring others' happiness and well being, and you haven't given yourself an opportunity to do so. Promise me Care, if I let Matt in, you'll do the same. I don't care who it's with, but I want you to find that person you can trust.", she said.

Like Hell, I thought to myself, but I knew she was right. I hadn't been truly happy in a while.

I hadn't seen the sunshine in a while. I forgot what it feels like to feel ok. I've been praying for the day that I don't just see rain, and I don't want to do anything but cry. I want to be truly happy.

For the record, I was a generally happy person. For the most part, I was cheerful and high spirited, a smile usually on my face. But there was always that other side of me.

The side in which my past controlled. The "other"

Me, was a broken girl. A girl who couldn't be touched without flinching. A girl who feared everything. A girl who just wanted to trust someone, but couldn't bring herself to do so. A girl, who deep down, wondered what it felt like to really be loved.

After ten minutes of driving, we pulled into the driveway of Maddi's house, and she parked the car. I turned to face her, and Madi held out her pinky.

"Pink promise me you'll let your guard down. Promise me you'll let yourself learn to trust again. I promise you I will, but only if I have your word that you'll do the same", she said, holding out her pinky, awaiting for my response.

Don't you dare, I told myself. You can't do that, and you certainly won't.

But I did.

Carefully, I wrapped my pinky around hers, intertwining them together. Without considering what I was about to say, I looked Madi in the eyes, and promised.

"I promise, Madi", I said, though both me, myself, and I didn't know if I could keep it.

But nonetheless, I made a promise. And as I always did, I had every intention of keeping it.