Deeply In Secret (BoyxBoy)

Chapter Four

   Stunned than ever, i looked into x's teary eyes and then he just slightly said :
  - God I love you.
Without thinking i said :
   - I love you too, x.. But this isn't right. It can't be this way..
  - I know, I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me..
  - You mean everything to me, but we can't do this. It's just not right.

   I got up, woozy from the shock, and he said :
  - Please don't leave.
  - I'll never leave you, but this can't be the way it is. I have to go now..  I'll call you tomorrow.1

   I left, and just started crying. I don't know how I made it home that night..

__________

   I spent the whole night terrified, reliving the whole thing over and over.. What the hell had just happened? I needed to figure it out, and soon. How long had x had those feelings for me? How could I haven't know? How could he have kept something like that inside him so long or maybe for a while? How mush must he have suffered? Why did I enjoy it? Why did it mean so much to me? And how could I have just walked away? But he must be so scared right now! How could he have risked EVERYTHING for that one brief moment of pleasure?
(too many questions i've had into my head)...

   Then, I gathered my thoughts and came up with a plan. I could not let this destroy or even change the friendship that I had with x. That friendship was everything. He's the only boy who understood and trust me. I needed him. He made me happy, happier than I've ever been cause I was miserable and i realized it until now.
If he could live with all those feelings inside him, then so i could too. There was no way I was going to let my stupid insecurities eat it away at the best thing that had ever happened to me.. But what if he couldn't handle it, what if that was why he finally gave in and did what he already did? I don't know what would have happened, or if either of us could have survived that, but Thank god it played out differently, and what if I couldn't control myself? All of a sudden, it all hit me so hard, the kiss that really did unlock a torrents of emotions that I must have kept hidden far from my concsious mind..
x it turns out, was hot very hot, but how could that be? Guys aren't hot, I couldn't think of another one who was.. But x sure was!! couldn't figure out why ; juste because he apparently thought that I was? Because of the way he treated me? Or because he really was hot, physically? I was as confused as ever, but at least my priorities were clear. Save this incredible friendship at all costs, and avoid descending into a sin that I couldn't climb out of easily.
Easier said than done.