All the Missing Pieces (UNDER REVISION)

Fourteen

I kissed James on prom night.
I did that.
As soon as I read it the memories come flooding back.

              When I hang up with Marina, I sit down at the table and stare at the wall for a minute. I kissed James. I'm such a fucking idiot. I feel my face turn red, even though no one is there and no one else knows. "Aghhhhhhh," I mutter, slamming my head on the table in frustration. "What's wrong, mijo?" My mom walks in to the kitchen. "Do you ever do something so incredibly stupid that it makes you feel like the biggest mistake on the planet?" She cocks her head, "No? ¿Qué pasó, amorecito?"
"Nothing, nothing. It's nothing."
"Okay, mijo, but it's the first day of summer break so I don't want you stressing. Senior year is gonna be stressful enough." I suck my lips in and nod, "Mkay."
"Have fun! Go hang out with your friends! Is James around?" I look down at the floor. "He's out with his dad," I lie. "Ah, what about the girls?"
"I guess I can see if they're around."

             I text Marina and Emily to see if they want to meet up. I suppose we should probably discuss the catastrophic events of the night before. And also, I suppose now was as good of a time as ever to come out to Emily. I owe her an explanation. My heart thuds inside my chest at the thought of it.

             Marina answers her phone instantly. "What's up?"
"Hey, Mar. I think we should talk."
"Sure," She says, "What's up?"
 "Not now, with Emily. I think. I think I want to tell her."
"Are you sure?"
"She deserves to know."
"Okay. Let's meet over at my place in an hour. I can get Emily."
"Okay," I say. "Okay." She says. I do that thing where you exhale and vibrate your lips so it sounds kinda like a horse, and then Marina hangs up the phone.

              An hour later I'm sitting on Marina's couch about to give the most terrifying speech of my entire life. Marina's on the other side of the couch with one foot bouncing on the knee of her other leg. Emily looks like she's been crying again. She's sitting in an armchair with her body completely closed off. "So," Marina says, "James." Simultaneously, Emily and I start talking. "You know," she says. "I don't," I say. I point to her, "You go first." She uncrosses her arms and recrosses them in the other direction. "I can't believe this! He left about two sentences about how he's sorry it didn't work out, and that he had to run away for personal reasons. That's so selfish! He has friends! He has people that care about him! People that love him! I. I love him. I don't expect him to date me after he said he didn't want to but we are still friends!" She rambles on about her brief experience with James before bursting into tears. Marina moves over to Emily, squeezing into the armchair, to comfort her. She takes a minute, clears her eyes with her shirt sleeve, and then, between sniffs, asks, "So. What were you gonna say." The butterflies inside of me are devouring my stomach. "I, uh. I," I'm having second thoughts about this. I look at Marina, and she looks back at me with wide eyes full of concern. "I, uh, I think it would be better if you read it." I dig into my pocket to find James' letter, and I hand it to her reluctantly, my hand quivering. As she reads it, I see her face go through about every emotion in existence. When she's done, she closes her eyes and inhales, clenching her fist. "You did what?" She screams. She's shaking too now. "I can't give you an explanation that will make what I did okay. I was drunk, and he was there, and. Well," my eyes dart to Marina, who gives me the most extremely sympathetic glance I've ever seen from someone as aggressive as a lion, "The main reason I kissed him was because I wanted to. Emily, I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm gay too." Her jaw drops. "You. You're. You. You and him. You guys." She mumbles some words under her breath that don't make any sense. "I'm sorry it took me this long to tell you. Maybe this would have worked out better if I hadn't been a coward that was scared to tell his own best friends he's gay, so I'm telling you now. But the thing is, I kind of love him too."
"So were you guys, like, a thing before this?" She sniffles. "No, but I mean-" Almost instantaneously, she starts crying again. 

              Marina takes Emily to the bathroom to wash her face. I sit awkwardly on the sofa waiting for them to come back. Marina's little brother Cody waddles in to get his iPad off the ottoman. "What's up with them?" He says. "Cody, don't ever grow up." I tell him. "Uh, okay?" He turns around and waddles back out of the room, iPad in hand.

              When the girls return, Emily won't look at me. She won't even face me to be exact. I think back to when James told her they couldn't be in a relationship. He said he hated the feeling of breaking someone's heart. I told him he was supposed to. Now I'm desperately trying to give myself the same advice as I watch the girl who I've now broken sniffle on the armchair while Marina glances over at me and pats her on the back. "What now?" Marina asks, still facing Emily. "I think we should go after him," I say. Marina turns to me, and Emily clenches a fist. "I'm sorry what?" Marina asks. "I think we should go to South Carolina and find him."
"And how do you suppose we do that?" Emily mutters. "I'll go to his house after this. He likes to leave the window open so that his paintings can dry. I'll get into his room and search his desktop to see if I can find maps or an address or something. Then we leave tomorrow and try to stop him."
"Peyton, are you sure?" Marina inquires. "Yes. I need to. I can't let him ruin his life because of something I probably caused."
 "If you want to go to South Carolina to chase after your fucking boyfriend, then be my guest, but I'm not wasting my summer on some crazy quest where I'll just be the sidekick no one cares about." Emily says. "Emily, what do you mean?" I ask, "I care about you, and Marina cares about you, and hell James cares about you. I'm sorry that you got caught in the crossfire, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try and help him." Marina pipes in, "You know, Em, I think I have to agree with Peyton on this one. I think we should try to get him to come back." My eyes meet Emilys and I say, "I won't be offended if you don't come. But if you change your mind, meet me at the school tomorrow at four."
 "I'll be there," Marina says. Emily looks at me with saddened eyes and a hardened heart. Then she looks at the ground and blocks out the world. 

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A/N sorry for the late update guys! My school's football team was in the state finals yesterday so the band had to take a three hour trip to get to the game. See you next week!