And My Heart Goes

"Closure"

            "Zade, I know this is difficult," I said calmly, "but I know my heart and what it wants. I'm in love with Kwame." I quickly turned around in my swivel chair and asked Clyde, "How did it sound?"

            "It sounded sincere," he replied. "However, I'd need to see your facial expressions while you say it. I'm pretty sure you're not going to say it to him with your back turned."

            "I just want to get the words right first. I'll then work on my facial expressions."

            "Why not just tell him how you feel in the moment instead of rehearsing it. If he truly loves you then he's gonna know you rehearsed it, right?"

            "Clyde, I have a habit of saying things that are easily misinterpreted. I can't afford to botch this. Zade is in a fragile state right now and the last thing he needs is to be dumped without any regard to his feelings."

            It was Friday and I only had an hour left of work before it was time to clock out. As with the previous days of that week, I'd leave my job and head straight home to see Kwame there already still wearing his work clothes watching the news on my living room TV. However, that Friday would be different. I had a serious responsibility that was weighing heavily on my mind. How was I going to end my relationship with Zade without causing him additional pain?

            "Do you still love him?" Clyde asked me while sitting on the corner of my desk.

            "I do," I answered. "But not in the way that I love Kwame. It's different. It's more of an appreciation because I am immensely grateful for everything Zade exposed me to. I feel like he did open my mind up and made me realize just how much I should compromise with someone I love. The only thing is it helped me compromise with Kwame instead. God, I feel selfish even saying that out loud."

            "You're not selfish, Elijah. You're human. I happen to think you handled most of your situation the right way."

            I raised my eyebrows and asked, "What do you mean most?"

            He laughed a little and replied, "I would've gotten both Kwame and Zade to come to an understanding and been with them both."

            "Oh boy, so you're into polyamory as well?"

            "I wouldn't seek it out but if a situation like yours ever happened to me, it sounds like the only plausible situation. I mean; think about it, it's very possible that some people just aren't meant to be with one person. It's possible that you can have a deep intimacy with two or more other people."

            "Even if I wanted to do that, Zade needs help that I can't give him. Beyond that, I feel like I'd only make his life worse since I can't help him."

            "You can't know that without trying."

            I sighed before saying, "I know I haven't told you everything that went down with Zade but trust me, it would never work and I've made my peace with that. I know our age difference isn't that big but he truly has a lot to learn about life. When I was twenty-two, I was with Theo but we weren't in a solid relationship. It was rocky and we didn't always communicate like we should have and we broke up several times. Zade needs to experience more before he can commit himself to a serious relationship. And he has to define himself before he can do that. And to define himself, he must be whole. I have no doubts that he'll be able to do all of that. I just can't deny myself a chance at happiness or deprive Zade of it by continuing on with him while he's on his important journey."

            He smiled and said, "Wow."

            "What?"

            "I think you just said all you need to say to him tonight. Good job, boss."