Letters to Ellie - An Ellie Goulding Fanfiction

20th December

20th Decemeber

Ellie,

Today was meant to be the day when everything gets better.

The day that I finally put some effort into my life, did something other than feeling bad about myself

I woke up today and decided that I was going to be possotive and sort out my issues.

I didn't.

I know I shouldn't let it get to me but it does, everything that they say about me; that I'm worthless, fat, ugly, skanky, slutty....

The bullying started when I was 10, mostly from the higher class girls who thought they ruled the world.

It was mostly just words at first, but then they got their brother and boyfriends involved.

I often came home from school coverd in cuts and bruises.

It doesn't get better at home either, what with my bitch of a stepdads drink problem and mum caught up with my younger brother Archie who as Aspergers...

I've never known my real dad, he left as soon as I was born.

Dave, or my step dad (and Archies real dad) came when I was three and they had Archie the same year.

Dave started drinking not long after that, he denies it but I know it's because of the way Archie is.

I'm an idiot ok and I do, and I cant block out all the issues and sometimes it all gets too much

The scars on my arm prove it.

Because sometimes it feels so good to just feel something for a change.

My life is so worthless that I feel nothing most of the time, after my stepdad had a fight with me once he said 'It's better to feel pain than nothing at all'

I guess he's right.

Because when the blood drips down your arms and your gripping that knife it feels like your letting a part of yourself free, that doesn't have to belong in your useless body anymore.

You don't focus on the shit world around you, you just focus on the pain and the blood.

But you have to depend on it. Its like a lifesupport system.

Your hooked to it and it gives you what you need to keep going when you cant support yourself.

I have to hide all of this day, pretending that I'm ok when really I just want the earth to swallow me up.

Ugh, who am I kidding, why am I even bothering to write these letters? Your never going to read them, but it seems like I know you.

Like your my only friend in this cruel world.

Your songs speak to me and there's so much I wish I could tell you back.

Because through all of this, there's something that keeps me going.

Its you

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