S u m m e r

a paragraph i'm scared to share

sometimes i feel like i'm too much. like i'm overbearing and you get annoyed and don't want me anymore. i know what he did to me affects us greatly, and i hate having these conversations with you so that's why i sit here, three feet away from you while you're asleep, typing this. because i was too chicken to say anything before you fell asleep. and i know this isn't my usual poem or usual writing style but i need to get this out

i have so much going on with myself. my anxiety and depression is at a all time high right now and i feel so low and alone. and although being around you calms me and keeps a smile on my face, the insecurities are still in the back of my mind screaming at me. telling me i'm annoying and that you can do better. i know you love me, and that we're each other's best friends but, i can't say any of this out loud.

i get so scared
that one day you'll just walk out of my life.
or one day you'll decide you don't want to be with me and we won't be able to continue to be friends, because my feelings will still be there and i'll be too in love with to be around you and not be yours.

i'm telling you, i constantly crave your touch and affection. i constantly crave you're attention and validation.
and it's so

stupid.

utterly stupid. i should be able to validate myself and i can't. which is a problem. i have no self worth, or love or esteem to bring me up when i'm in the lowest of places. i know you love me, i know you love being around me

so why do i always think otherwise?

why do i put myself in these lonely places where i feel unwanted by the world. maybe because i'm unwanted by myself? it's hard to see other's admiration in you when you don't admire yourself.

you're not him. never will you be him. and i understand that completely. you'll never string me along like he did. you'll never use me like he did. you'll never abuse me like he did. and you'll never leave me like he did.

but.

i think right now i need time alone. to heal.

and go through this process without distractions.

and maybe one day we'll work out..