you're not him anymore {stucky}

chapter one

steve's POV

the drawings all look good but i can never capture the raw emotion in the eyes. the happy man who was going to fight for his country, i can remember those eyes i just can't draw them. i saw them so long ago

im with ya till the end of the line pall

his voice rang in my ears. i lay back on the bed drawings scattered around me, pencil in hand. the sun gently coming through the window as i lay in my blue jogging bottoms and grey t-shirt. i could try and draw him with the eyes he has now.

i try to mentally picture him laughing and smiling with me. but the eyes aren't the same. something in those eyes. it died a long long time ago. i have back bucky. but i dont have back james.

i grunted at my own internal monolog realiseing i sound like a depressed 15 year old rather that a 60 year old soldier out of war. i laugh silently to myself. i want to get up when i hear a yell. i close my eyes tight. because its not quite a yell. more of a scream. a scream filled with anger, hate, sadness, loss and pain. 

everyone in the tower pretend they don't hear him. pretend not to know how much he hates himself. we don't guess it. we know it. we can hear it. he yells, screams at himself. he calls himself the soldier, tells himself he's worthless. he punches a few walls then silence.

the silence is the worst part. because for everyone else its over. but not for me. because the serum enhances everything, it enhanced my hearing as well. so i close my eyes tighter and hide all my emotions, and act like i don't hear him cry.

it's just another day.

i try not to listen when he cries, because it breaks my heart. but he's crying louder today. something about it is worse, i can hear him mumbling to himself. he does that a lot. he won't tell anyone what he says or why he does it. when we bring it up he gets a look of panic. so we dont bring it up.

i can't make out what he's saying. i only catch a few words hear and there. i lean closer to the wall and try and listen. i don't like to hear him cry but there's something off with his voice, and it's honestly worrying me. i push my ear against the wall.

"no.........you cant........he.........like you..............enough.......never.........make me........" 

i missed a lot of words in between what he was saying, but that didn't sound like bucky. it was a more monotone voice, a darker voice. one void of emotion, no sadness, no fear, no anger. it was just there.

i leaned back from the wall as his crying got worse. i couldn't take it i got up and walked out of my room as i shut the door, i realised i could still hear him crying, in fact im pretty sure if anyone walked past his door they could hear it.

i pressed my forehead against my door and let out a shaky breath. "everyday" i whisper on the verge of letting my emotions por out.

"NO,NO! NO NO NO. PLEASE NO. DON'T!LEAVE ME ALONE! I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE, Please please leave me alone" i heard bucky yell.

this time i was sure it was bucky, you could hear the strain in his voice, the sobbes between words, he trailed off and got quieter. and just went back to crying and mumbling inaudibly

i let a few tears fall down my face as i stepped towards bucky's door.

natasha walked out her room from across the hall, she gave me one look before walking over to me. she hugged me and i collapsed onto her, this wasn't anything new to her, i had let all my emotions out in front of her before. i trusted her. but right now i didn't care who saw. she lowered me to the floor, this time i was the one crying.

"every day natasha, everyday i hear him cry. i just want him to get better. i want my james back. i want my best friend back. i want my ..." i cried harder in her arms. i began to realise.

i don't think i will ever see my james again.

[[a/n]]

[[vote and comment. let me know if you have ideas for future chapters, because i think i can make this a long book, with a good storyline. Also let me know if you like the book or not. love ya. i will burn your house down xxxxx]]