lost

the end: final entry

date: 6/10

                one year. i decided to save the last page for today. i should update you on things, jasper.

                i keep thinking back to that day a year ago exactly, what went wrong and what happened to you. it’s still such a mystery. a mystery to us all. maybe one day we’ll find out so we can have closure, but for now it’s open and it’s still exposed. it’s wounded, but healing all at the same time, too.

                your parents still miss you, they still love you. they accepted the fact that you’re still not here, and i don’t think they’re going anywhere. just in case you come home, they said. i’ll miss them so much.

                my mother is still in a wheelchair, but slowly getting better. my aunt is helping with everything and i could not be more grateful. she misses you a lot, too. and my father is still nonexistent and for that, i’m glad.

                jay is moving on the twenty-third to australia and i’m going to miss her so much. she was there for me throughout this whole thing, well most of it. she was so supportive and she’s a great friend. we’re going to keep in touch still, which is good.

                as for me? i’m holding on okay. it gets rough a lot of the times, where all i want to do is break down and cry, or hide somewhere for months and never come out. i get glimpses of the future and sometimes i see you. sometimes i see us, and i get so frustrated at myself because your image is getting foggy, and that alone makes me want to cry.

                i cry sometimes. i cry for you, though. i cry for your safety and your well-being, i cry for you because i cannot stand to see you hurt, and i don’t even let that pass my mind because that image makes me sick to my stomach. i cry for us, what we could’ve been if i told you i loved you more than a friend, and i cry for you because i miss you.

                but as for now, right at this moment, i’m okay. i have to be okay. i have bright plans in my future, and i bet you did, too.

                so this is goodbye from this journal, jasper. to the past year i wrote down my feelings about everything and anything. this isn’t a final goodbye, because there will always be a little part of me that will forever miss you and cling to you. i still think about you every day, and how i get reminded of you in the silliest of little things.

                i love you, ever so much and with all my heart. i miss you to the moon and back, but so much further. i hope you’re safe, jasper. because i’m still stuck with you.

                love,

                valerie.

                p.s. maybe in the future i’ll go see the northern lights. i’ll pretend you’re right there next to me, okay?