Dear Virgil Sanders [✔️]

Chapter 15: Words Fail

"I wrote it."

Silence.

Emile shook his head. "You didn't write Janus's suicide note, Virgil."

"It wasn't a.." Virgil grasped for the right words. "It was an assignment from my therapist. Write a letter to yourself. A pep talk. 'Dear Virgil Sanders: today's going to be an amazing day and here's why'."

Remy couldn't make sense of the notion. "I don't think..."

"I was supposed to bring it to my appointment. Janus took it from me and I guess he must have had it when you... found him."

"What are you talking about?" Patton searched Virgil's eyes, trying to think this was just a dream.

"We weren't friends."

"No." Emile put his hands on his head, not processing the situation. "No. No no no.."

Virgil sighed. "I never meant to make it such a mess. I never thought that it would go this far."

"There were emails..." Emile tried to pick at anything, anything that justifies her sons death. "You showed us the emails."

"So I just stand here sorry. Searching for something to say." He searched their eyes. Nothing came up. "Something to say..."

"But you knew about the orchard." Remy took a step back, leaning against the computer desk. "He took you to the orchard."

"That's where you broke your arm." Emile nodded with Remy.

"I broke my arm at Ellison Park by myself."

Emile shook his head. "No, that day at the orchard, you and Janus at the orchard..."

"Words fail... words fail. There's nothing I can say..."

Emile sat down. "Oh my god."

Patton felt tongue tied. "But you told me that he... that you would talk about me and that he would..." he paused, glaring Virgil down. "How could you do this?"

"I guess... I thought I could be part of this. I never had this kind of thing before. I never had the perfect boy who somehow could see the good part of me." He said, trying to say sorry as he looked Patton in the eyes. The boy in question looked away. "I never had the dad who stuck it out." He met Remy's eyes. He also looked away. "No corny jokes or baseball gloves. No dad who just was there because dad was all that he had to be." He didn't bother looking at Emile, knowing he fucked up.

He took a step towards the door. He turned away from them. "It's not a worthy explanation, I know there is none. Nothing can make sense of all these things I've done. Words fail... words fail, there's nothing I can say! Except sometimes," he looked back at them, "you see everything thing you wanted and something you see everything you wish you had and it's right there, right there, right there in front of you!" He gestured to them before turning away.

"And you want to believe it's true... so you... make it true." He sighed and started walking away. "And you think." He was walking out the door now. The Picanis heard him out and refused to forgive him. There was nothing left to do. Outside, he saw Janus. "Maybe everybody wants it... and needs it... a little bit too." He faded. Virgil was alone.

He started the slow walk home to a dad who was mad at him. "This was just a sad invention. It wasn't real, I know. But we were happy. I guess I couldn't let that go. I guess I couldn't give that up. I guess it wanted to believe, cause if I just believe, then I don't have to see what's really there." He looked down at a puddle that had formed. It was raining. His reflection was getting warped by the dropping rain.

"No I'd rather pretend I'm something better than these broken parts. Pretend I'm something other than this mess that I am. Then I don't have to look at it, and no one gets to look at it! No! No one can really see!" He kicked the puddle, distorting the image further before starting to run home, the rain running down his face invigorating him, giving him one last sense of life before he'd have nothing.

"That I've learned to slam on the breaks! Before I even turn the key! Before I make the mistake! Before I lead with the worst of me!" He stopped in his tracks, looking at the sky, screaming at himself. "I never let them see the worst... of... me....."

He looked at his house, only a short distance away. "Cause what if everyone saw?" He continued walking. "What if everyone knew? Would they like what they saw? Or would they hate it too?" He nodded. Of course they would hate him. He started to run home. He was on his doorstep. He saw his dad inside on the couch looking at the computer. He must know by now.

He sat down on a chair next to their door, not wanting to face the heat. Then it hit him. Will I just keep on running away from what's true?

"All I ever do is run."

He looked at the pouring rain. So how do I step in... step into the sun...

He looked back through the window. His dad looked so sad. Virgil stood and opened the door. Step into the sun.....