binded

grace ; locked away

Physically, there is nothing wrong with me. Mentally, everything has fallen to utter shit. The one light at the end of the tunnel is that I have more confidence in Zane. His feelings for me seem to be similar if not stronger than mine and that makes me feel a lot better. However, nothing can eliminate the sorrow of my deceased father.

My mother allows me to miss school on Friday and gives me the time I need to grieve. she has scheduled his funeral for next Saturday, and even said that I was allowed to invite Zane. She seems to have more respect for him considering the way that I told my father about him and I feel like it could be good for me to have there.

On Monday, I am bombarded with questions by Penelope and Juliet. most are asking why I never told them about my father or why I kept it all to myself. However, both should know my mental state is extremely fragile and jumping on my case as to why I never told them isn't the best thing to do right now. Yet they still continue to ask.

"Would you just shut the hell up already?" I yell, looking more towards Juliet,"My fucking dad is dead and all you to care about is why I never bothered to tell either of you,"

Juliet pokes my chest and furrows her eyebrows,"We could have helped you Gracie, if you would have just asked us we would be there to support you. It isn't like we were asking you the world, just your trust,"

I am too irritated with Juliet to pay any attention to what Penelope is signing to me. From the corner of my eye it just looks like she is moving her hands frantically and frankly is starting to bug me. It's amazing how quickly my best friend's can piss me off.

"I didn't tell you because he was supposed to be okay." I finally admit,"He was supposed to come out of his coma and he would have been fine. But things got worse way too fast and I never got the chance to tell you."

There's an awkward tension between the three of us until Axel approaches us and stands besides Juliet. What is he doing with her?

"Is everything okay my jewel?" he asks, noticing that I am here,"Oh, it's you."

"Yes, it's me. What do you want?" I ask with bitterness l laced in my voice.

Honestly, I've never cared much for Axel. We've gone to school together since kindergarten and he hasn't matured since then. If anything, he has the mind of a 7th grader. Not because he isn't smart, but because of the way he acts.

Axel has always just bugged me, and he should know with the rumors about me that now isn't the time to be testing my nerves. This is why when he opens his mouth to speak, I cut him off.

"Now isn't the time to be fucking with me." I snap while he stares at me and utter shock. I'm not even sure if he's ever heard me curse before.

"What is your problem Gracie?" he asks in a mocking tone. the only place he could have heard that nickname from is Zane,"Why are you acting so bitchy?"

I've had enough. I don't need to be dealing with Axel or even with Juliet. After using my breathing technique, I simply turn around and walk away from the group. While heading to my locker, I noticed Zane. He takes quick note to how annoyed I appear and makes his way towards me.

"Hey, I missed you on Friday." he says while embracing me in a tight squeeze,"How have you been?"

"As good as I can be," I simply reply as he leads me to my locker,"There is actually something that I have been meaning to ask you."

I fully understand that having him meet my dad before in the hospital was a big stretch. However, something like attending the funeral with me should be a bit easier for him to do.

"My dad's funeral is this Saturday morning and I was told that I could bring a plus one. Would you like to come with me?" I ask him.

It doesn't take long for me to get a yes as his answer and a promise to be at the church at 6:45 a.m. sharp. Once the first period bell cuts us off, we part ways and head off.

If he can meet my formerly comatose father, he can meet anyone. Including my mother.

The days leading up to the funeral are stressful for my mother and I. Every aspect of planning that we were expecting has just been a constant reminder that he is gone. I wish there was more that I could do to help her emotionally, but I realize that I need to help myself first.

Most of the planning requires if he wants to be cremated or buried, how long the funeral will be, who will direct it, how many people will be in attendance and other factors. Something like this is difficult for both of us to tackle especially because of how recent his death has been.

Together, we choose to have him cremated and select a beautiful urn that is his favorite color, gray. He always told me that he was black and mama was white, so I became a gorgeous blend of the two, gray. That is part of where my name has come from.

Both of us wants the funeral to be a smaller one, inviting just close family and friends. Most family members have already been made aware of his passing and even some friends are just discovering the news. It took a lot of deciding, but I finally agreed on inviting Juliet and Penelope.

We request that the funeral be directed by one of my uncles who is a priest at a church in Indiana. He humbly agrees and says that he will be bringing his family to the service.

The final factor that we haven't determined yet is how long the funeral will be. I have never been to a funeral, so asking someone like me would be a bit of a challenge. We safely tell the church that the service will be an hour long and that we will be renting the church for a second hour afterwards.

Everything seems to come together but the idea that this is a funeral for my dad still lingers on in my mind. His death still feels fake, like it's a messed up joke that someone is trying to pull on me. Reality just needs to smash into me like a bus and make me come to terms that I will never see him again.

That same bus seems to have hit my mother already but given her minor injuries. She knows that this is real but is not as distraught as I would initially expect. Maybe realization comes to people in different ways. Or maybe I just won't allow myself to feel the pain that I want to.

I've taken rusty metal chains and wrap them around my heart. Once those chains have met up so many times that my heart is no longer visible, I lock it together with a gigantic lock that can be only open with a key. However I lost the key on purpose in order to save myself from the emotional outburst that would come.

Maybe that was smart of me to do.