binded

grace ; secrets

When I go back to my house after the funeral, the first thing that I take note of in the mirror are my red and swollen eyes. Not that there is makeup in a ring under my eyes or that my lip still quivers and my nose is aggressively running with excess snot from all of my crying. I look like a six year old who was just told that she couldn't get the biggest lollipop at the candy store but could get the bundle of six smaller ones. Like I am crying for a reason that isn't valid.

But it is a good reason.

Damnit I should be crying! My dad is dead an I still think that one day, he will rise up from the grave. Come and hug me, say that everything will be okay. That he loves me so much.

"Keep it together." I whisper to myself while trying to flatten my cloud of hair, "Just go hang out with Zane...meet his family. It'll be okay.

As I reassure myself in the mirror and change out of my funeral clothes, my phone buzzes and I get a message from Zane.

<< ZANE >>

Hey, my mom is making grilled cheese and tomato soup for lunch. What cheese do you want :)

I answer that I want pepper jack and for it to be lightly toasted. Once I am dressed in a pair of ripped jeans (that I tore up myself) and a gray t-shirt. When I tell my mom that she will be going to meet Zane's family, she seems shockingly supporting of it. I think she just understands that I am grieving and need my time.

When I get in the car, I put the key into the ignition and pull out my vape pen. I put the car in reverse and take a long hit. The nicotine is immediately calming as I drive out of my neighborhood. I roll down the window as I blow the smoke out and it is sucked out by the wind. While at a stop light, I turn the dial on the radio and a song that is slightly familiar begins to play.

All I want is nothing more

To hear you knocking at my door

'Cause if I could see your face once more

I could die a happy man I'm sure

The light turns green and I begin to softly hum along. The lyrics already remind me of my relationship with Zane and it causes me to smile wide.

When you said your last goodbye

I died a little bit inside

I lay in tears in bed all night

Alone without you by my side

Yowch. Now it is reminding me of my dad. That took a really dark turn...damn. I turn on my turn signal but continue to hum along.

But if you loved me

Why'd you leave me?

Take my body

Take my body

All I want is,

And all I need is

To find somebody.

I'll find somebody like you.

While turning left and in the direction of Zane's neighborhood, my mind tries to stray away from the lyrics and how they make me think that maybe things won't work out between us.

Stay positive Grace.

When I first get to Zane's house, there aren't any issues. His stepdad treats him like a biological son, his mother is kind and his little brother adores him. However, it's after lunch and when I go exploring upstairs that things take a turn.