Bob's Life: Global Warming

Chapter 1: The First Chapter

Oh, Bob.

The best main character to ever exist! The super strong superhero with...you guessed it! Super strength! He has a fortune of around 700 trillion dollars and an amazing (not to mention gigantic!) mansion. We all love Bob! And how can you not? He is just sooooo incredibly brave, kind, charming, smart, strong, generous, handsome...

Ugh. I really don't get paid enough for this.

Look, I don't mean any of this stuff about Bob. I'm a narrator. This is my job! Narrators need to be so intolerably biased in favour of whoever the main character is, even if that main character is horrible. By that, I mean no character development, no good traits, nothing. 

Well, here I am, stuck saying this stuff because SOMEONE decided it was a smart idea to novelize a random story written in the middle of a school soccer tournament. And honestly, I'd rather talk about some snobby Mary Sue character (been there, done that).

You know what? I'd rather watch paint dry. So ya know what? We're doing that. Yup. I'm gonna add a splash of paint to this nice canvas here...and look! It's drying! Now we just wait for that very stubborn blob of paint there...

This is how boring Bob is. In fact, I wouldn't be exaggerating if I said that Bob is ten times more boring than watching paint dry.

WHY. IS. THIS. STORY. ABOUT. BOB?!

Bob is (very) lazy, boring, grouchy, arrogant, rude, and all those bad and plain boring things. Seriously, how did he even earn 700 trillion dollars? He's too lazy to do anything! Oh, right. He won the lottery 60 times. Now here's the real question: how in the world did he manage to even get himself to move enough to get to the lottery ticket?

Yeah, this is why the author added a buncha side characters that are far more interesting and important than Bob. Speaking of which, let's talk about them right now! That sounds much more fun!

Right at the heart of the dark and creepy forest that happens to be just a five minute's walk from Bob's mansion, there resides a suspicious group called...

The Cat Cult.

The Cat Cult is more of a club, actually. No creepy rituals, no killing or bad stuff. They just thought Cat Cult was a cooler name than Cat Club. Well, they take in cats (and other animals, of course) and have many very strange activities. In a way, they're a group of people that believe in evil ghosts and so, they make food weapons to fend them off. They never had to use them yet, luckily.

But why food, you ask?

Well, first of all, food is great. Second of all, there have been tales of The Holy Donut, the weapon that destroyed the Lost Lollipop Souls, a group of evil ghosts who wish to take over the world. The Lost Lollipop Souls almost succeeded, but Min Guru-Yee used the mystical power of The Holy Donut to defeat them. The Holy Donut hasn't been seen since... And as I'm sure you all know, The Holy Donut is a donut, and donuts are food. So yeah. They have food weapons.

Oh, and Min Guru-Yee is Cat Cult's current leader. He's like, what? Nineteen? Wait...he's been Cat Cult's leader since 1974, and this is 2019...

Something about cats having nine lives keeps him from ageing until he gives up the role of leader. Or something.

Well, Min Guru-Yee's assistant is an...eccentric fourteen-year old called Moonfishy. She loves cats. And stories. Her job is just to...be a mini leader of Cat Cult, although she has no interest in becoming the leader of Cat Cult. Oh, and she also provides fancy synonyms for bland words to Min during his Cat Cult announcements. Most of the time, no one understands them, but at least the speeches or announcement thingys sound good.

Oh. She's also a thesaurus. How she earned that title is a mystery.

Her brother is The Official Sushi Dictionary, and, as you can easily tell, he's a plate of spaghetti. Haha, just kidding. He's a dictionary with a very badly translated Japanese section. It's like Google Translate, with only one language. The Official Sushi Dictionary isn't as eccentric as his sister, and he's a pretty energetic and happy person. Who can also cook. Which is why he's one of the Cat Cult cooks (he specializes in making sushi and spaghetti, by the way).

And he's not the only cook! There are plenty of others, like Khadija. She is a normal human being (unlike Moonfishy and Official Sushi Dictionary, and by 'normal', I mean no immortality and dictionaries and thesauri programmed in her brain) with brown skin and long dark hair tied back in a ponytail. Although she is a diligent worker and a marvellous medic, beware of her sharp tongue.

Hey, why do they even need medics? Everything is pretty safe, and there's a hospital nearby...

Ah well.

Uh...I really don't wanna talk about Bob right now, and I have nothing else to talk about...

Ooh! Bob's fifteen cats!

Long story short, Bob adopted fifteen cats, even though he's a dog person, just because the cat shelter was closer. And he named them all Tree, 'cause he didn't want to come up with any other names. Yup, he's that lazy.

The fifteen Trees are rather interesting kittens, and they're all rather fond of a certain painter named Pierre who paints in Bob's storage shed (please don't ask why) and Min, of course, because Min is literally the leader of Cat Cult. They tend to dash about Bob's mansion on a daily basis, which annoys Bob to no end. Especially Tree #10. She is very, very hyperactive. Seriously, she's a mini calico cheetah running on ten thousand espresso shots.

I suppose that's all you guys need to know about the characters and Cat Cult. Ignore Bob, please. He's annoying.

Wait...the next chapter is about Bob.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Author's Note:

I really don't like Bob. Don't worry, he's going away soon enough.

Please don't throw a vacuum cleaner at me. Even if you already hate this story. Vacuum cleaners are very scary when thrown at you, and I should know. True story.