Bob's Life: Global Warming

Chapter 7: Luigi And The Power Of Math

For absolutely no reason at all, Luigi decided to bring Poltergust 3000 along, to Khadija's dismay. She could only shake her head disapprovingly as Luigi and Official Sushi Dictionary attempted to shove the very cumbersome vacuum cleaner into his green car.

"Katherine's not even a ghost." Khadija sighed.

"She might be!" Official Sushi Dictionary huffed, considering just slicing the Poltergust 3000 in half so it would fit. "What if she's a ghost in disguise, and the real Katherine is me?"

"...That made no sense."

Official Sushi Dictionary suddenly looked a bit sheepish as the vacuum cleaner fell out the car again. "I think I listened to too many of Moonfishy's conspiracy theories."

"No kidding." Khadija crossed her arms, rolling her eyes. "She thinks the world is made of bubble tea."

"Hey! It's a perfect explanation for global warming!" Official Sushi Dictionary argued, as Khadija facepalmed.

After eleven more tries and a very confused Jasmine's help, the Poltergust 3000 finally ended up getting tied to the top of the car. Luigi scrambled in, waving as he drove away.

"Don't die!" Official Sushi Dictionary screeched, looking extremely concerned.

"Luigi literally can't die." Khadija pointed out. That was when Jasmine finally strided off at a very brisk pace, muttering, "And I thought Lily was crazy!"

It was a bit of a panicky drive to Bob's lonely mansion. Luigi happened to be a very panicky person, and a very panicky person stuck in a very panicky situation is not good. Meaning he spent the entire time thinking about how he could just crash the car right there and then, how the Poltergust 3000 could explode, and how Bob might turn insane and get possessed by Khadija's ghost. Khadija's not even a ghost, though.

However, not a single thought about Katherine killing him even crossed his mind.

And then he proceeded to panic about where to park the car, worrying about whether Bob will get mad at him or not. In the end, he settled with a very odd parking spot: next to a tree in the dark spooky forest. Luigi untied the Poltergust 3000 and scampered awkwardly towards Bob's mansion with a vacuum cleaner slung over his shoulder. He managed to crawl through one of the many broken windows, and the Poltergust 3000 only broke off more of the window.

"Hello?"

Great, because that totally doesn't end up with the character dying in horror movies. Leave it to Luigi to call out to a crazy murderer, expecting her to answer with something like, "Hi! Want a sandwich?" and not, "Can I offer you a quick, painless death?"

I really need to stop referencing horror movies.

Katherine eventually came upon the sight of Luigi armed with a vacuum cleaner, and he immediately dropped it when he realized that Katherine actually isn't a ghost. Hero and villain awkwardly stared at each other, both somewhat confused and unsure of what to do next.

Then Katherine pulled out a knife, and Luigi started screaming hysterically.

It was a very odd chase around the mansion, and let's just say that they inflicted much more destruction than the fifteen Trees ever could. Luigi has managed to reach an inhuman speed as he continued to scream hysterically and sprint away from a frustrated Katherine, still holding her beloved knife. How the mansion didn't collapse from how much stuff they knocked over is a mystery.

Oh, and Luigi randomly snatched up the Poltergust 3000 during the chase, although it slowed him down significantly.

Katherine was finally able to trap Luigi in an extremely fancy washroom. No, seriously. The toilet paper had gold flecks in it. I don't know why Bob is so fond of fancy stuff. She locked the door, and she grinned wickedly when she saw Luigi fumbling with the vacuum cleaner.

"Prepare to die, pest." she said, taking a few steps forwards.

Luigi didn't even get the chance to process anything that happened before a whole pile of calculators and math textbooks fell on Katherine, crushing her with it's immense weight. He looked up to see Matthew and Khadija, armed with calculators and math textbooks. They were both hanging on the ceiling, like Spiderman or some random superhero.

"How do you do it?" Khadija groaned. "I feel dizzy."

"Actually, I have no clue whatsoever." Matthew responded. He started reading one of the math textbooks, looking suspiciously like Spiderman. Or rather, like a spider. No one would be surprised if he just grew a few extra pairs of legs right there and then.

Then, Katherine's ghost rose out of the pile of calculators and math textbooks, glaring at the trio furiously. I admire her ability to glare at all three of them at the same time, even if two of them are literally hanging off the ceiling.

Luigi screeched again, and pressed a random button on the Poltergust 3000. There was a weird scratching sound, then a furious whirring as the vacuum cleaner sucked up Katherine. She gave out a furious cry as ghost-Katherine disappeared, destined to remain inside a vacuum cleaner forever.

Or not, since she automatically turned into a painting right after. Luigi hung it up on the wall, admiring the realism of Katherine's grouchy portrait.

"So that vacuum cleaner ended up being useful after all!" Khadija exclaimed in shock. She managed to slide down the walls of the fancy bathroom, sighing in relief as she finally got to stand on the actual ground like a normal human being, not a Spiderman rip-off. "Er, Matthew? You can come down now."

"Huh?" He looked up from his math textbook. "What happened?"

"Nevermind." Khadija muttered. "Katherine's finally gone, and Bob is safe, so let's get outta here."

"But we didn't say hi to Bob yet!" Luigi protested.

"No one cares about Bob!"

Yes Khadija, you are absolutely correct.

Author's Note: 

Luigi's methods of dealing with evil are...questionable. But hey, he's Luigi.

And I actually did make a conspiracy theory about how the world is made of bubble tea. Hmm, maybe I can novelize that someday...