Bob's Life: Global Warming

Chapter 6: Sometimes Villains Are Weird

The threat of Lily and Jack going on a killing spree has long since passed, and Bob was calmly watching TV, not bothering to pay any attention to it. The Trees have run off, leaving him alone in his huge, lonely mansion. Some might say that Bob is now sad and lonely, but the truth is that both the Trees and Bob were better off. The Trees were neglected by Bob's laziness, and Bob was not a big fan of the cats and their hyperactivity.

"Quality cardboard right there! Rather salty, though. Hey Tim, lick this box!"

Why Bob was watching The Cardboard Box Contest on TV is a mystery. Maybe he actually enjoys watching people eating cardboard. Maybe he's just too lazy to change the channel, but either way, we can all conclude that Bob is not the average character.

He's unusual. And not in a good way.

Then, there was the sound of glass shattering, and a loud thud. Everything seemed to go quiet, except for the TV screen with the show's hosts rambling about cardboard.

And instead of investigating, Bob just keeps watching TV. He didn't even glance at the source of the sound, because he was too lazy to turn his head. See, this is the kind of person that's always the first victim in horror movies. Unfortunately, he's a main character, and main character syndrome always succeeds in keeping the main character alive, so the writer's gonna be very predictable and have him not die. Fun. Not really.

He also thought it'd be smart to ignore the very obvious, very ominous footsteps slowly approaching him. Tim was now commenting on a very...bitter cardboard box? I don't see the point of this show at all.

Suddenly there was an ear piercing screech, and Bob finally slowly turned his head towards the sound. It came from a woman with a high ponytail and extravagant eyeliner just outside of one of Bob's now broken windows, and she was gripping a knife tightly.

Oh, thought Bob. Wow, he can actually think? I'm shocked. This is the crazy murderer named Katherine from the news. I should continue watching the show.

Seriously?!

I hope you go through some major character development immediately, thought the narrator. Or die a sad, painful death.

Did I just narrate my own thoughts? Yes, because Bob is any narrator's nightmare.

Katherine just stared at Bob for a minute or two in pure shock, because she was certainly expecting a different reaction. She was carrying a knife. She literally just broke into his house. She had every intent to kill him, and she was pretty sure she made that clear.

Apparently not clear enough.

Katherine stepped through the window, and with a sudden burst of speed, she kicked down the TV. Bob watched in horror as the TV broke into a thousand little pieces by some sort of magical force. In response, Katherine gave him a wide, wicked grin.

And Bob let out a blood-curdling screech.

Sure, Lily could make a person deaf simply by raising her very shrill voice. Although Bob's screech was nowhere close to as how impressive Lily's screeching feats are, it gave the very lazy man enough time to pick up a couch and throw it at Katherine, using his super strength. As expected, Katherine used her evil magic to incinerate it, but Bob was actually smart for once in his life and dashed upstairs, grabbing a telephone on the way. Also, he threw a piano down the stairs to block Katherine's path, just in case.

Sniff. I'm such a proud narrator. The protagonist actually did something useful for once!

Bob ran into one of the many random bedrooms that no one uses, and blocked the door with many strange objects, such as a vase, a cabinet, and a pile of clothing. Then, he racked his mind for someone to call for help.

Uh, 911?

Instead, he frantically dialed Luigi's number, and he pressed it against his ear desperately. Ah well. I suppose Luigi works just as well as 911.

"Hello?" said a voice.

"Hello." Bob responded gruffly. "I need-"

"This is Bubble Tea Bubbly Industries speaking, how may I help you?" the feminine voice cut in, sounding suspiciously like a cashier who drank too much coffee. The speaker spoke quickly and clearly, as if she rehearsed this line many times.

"What? NO! I want to speak with Luigi!" Bob exclaimed.

"So..." there was a pause. "Your order got cancelled?"

"What order?!"

"Did you want strawberry or taro? I can't remember, sorry for the inconvenience."

"I DON'T WANT BUBBLE TEA!" Bob roared in frustration. Who doesn't want bubble tea, though? "I NEED TO SPEAK WITH LUIGI!"

"Wait, but..."

Another voice joined in. "Here, sis. Lemme have the phone."

There were a few crackles on the other end, then an awkward cough. "Sorry about Moonfishy."

"You know her?" Bob growled.

The other voice seemed slightly intimidated at this point, though there was still a hint of annoyance. "Uh, yeah. That's my sister. She's rather incapable of human communication, sorry 'bout that."

"I want to speak to Luigi." Bob was about to complain about whoever this Moonfishy was, but there was a sudden thud and his door shook.

"Oh! Okay, just a minute."

Bob waited for what seemed like hours as Katherine continued her attempts to pry open the door, until Luigi's familiar voice spoke. "Hi."

"Luigi! An evil person is trying to murder me!" he exclaimed.

"Alrighty then." A small pause. "Is that evil person a ghost, by any chance?"

"No! It's Katherine."

"Aha!" Luigi said triumphantly. "So she did escape from jail. And it seems like Katherine to attack an owner of fifteen cats. I'm on my waaaay!"

Author's Note:

Yay! My character finally actually did something! All she really did was talk about bubble tea, though...

The other character on the phone (not Luigi or Moonfishy) is Official Sushi Dictionary. Just to clarify. And I think we can all agree that the narrator is the best character.