The Grey Area

1

I'm Kyra and I'm numb.

I cannot be sad, I cannot be happy, I cannot be angry, only stressed because of my lack of feelings. I can be in a happy or sad mood, but I cannot be truly happy and I cannot feel truly sad, I can only be in the middle.

I call the middle the grey area. You don't know what you're feeling in the grey area because it's like you're in a circle of emotions but the colors all stop at a certain point and just creates a grey area. None of the emotions reach the grey area, therefore the emotions don't reach me, and therefore I can not feel.

In the circle each of the emotions have colors: red is angry, blue is sad, yellow is happy, etc. But in the middle none of those colors can reach you, everything is grey, everything seems so dull but light at the same time and it's so confusing.

I feel like I'm dazed and confused, I don't know what I'm feeling, I don't know if I can feel but at the same time I know I feel things. It frustrates me but it can't make me angry, only stressed.

I can not feel true love for things. I can like it but not love.

Romance wise, I can not feel anything, I can not like anyone in that way. It's like that part of my brain is blocked off, therefore I have never had a boyfriend because I can not feel anything romance wise for anyone, I cannot love anyone.

I get so frustrated because people always ask "why haven't you dated anyone, you're 18, do you just not have a life? Are you antisocial?" And the answer is both yes and no, I'm very antisocial but I still have friends, but I have not found anybody that I could look in the eyes and say I wholeheartedly want a relationship with them. I would only want the relationship so people would stop telling me to get in one.

This gets me so frustrated because I know I'm capable of this feeling because I've liked someone before wholeheartedly, but it was years ago and I no longer feel that. I know I'm capable but at the same time I am not capable of this feeling and I just feel stuck in the grey area.

I can not escape the grey area, can someone please just help?