one sin.

40) Beware Big Brothers

The bell on my last final rings and turn in my test, somewhere between confident and arrogant with how I've done. I escort myself to counseling, showing myself into Dr. Harvey's office. She looks up from her notes, smiling, "Glad you decided to stop by."

"I figured that the longer I ignore you, the more aggressive you'll get with your tactics," I take a seat, "I was scared if I didn't, you'd do something like show up at my house."

She chuckles, "I mean, I do have your address on file."

I reach into my bag, pulling out a small gift bag, "Merry Christmas."

"You shouldn't have," she gushes, setting the gift aside, "I can't wait to open it." She turns back to me, "So how are we feeling about the end of the semester?"

I shrug, "Shitty."

She covers her ears, "It's the last day, so I'll let that slide." She pulls up my grades, "Honestly, considering the semester you've had, you've done pretty well. Even with all the disciplinary actions, you're pulling a 3.6 GPA. You could graduate with honors if you keep up the good work."

She notices my face at the mention of graduation. "Okay," she takes a breath, "There's ninety minutes left in the semester. Of course I'm going to want to talk about grades-- But its going to be a while before we see each other again so... What do you want to talk about?"

"I---" I try again, "I don't... Do you ever feel like you're living life wrong? Like I wasn't even here for the decision for me to exist and yet I have to do all this stuff to keep living? That sounds like a scam."

She laughs, "KJ there's no wrong way to live your life. It's yours to own."

"Then why do people keep getting mad at me for doing what I want to do?" I protest.

"Because you're seventeen and a minor," she scoffs, "That's why I push you so hard to do better! To apply to college! To get out of St. Louis and take over the world!"

"Then people will just be mad at me in other parts of the world?" I deflect.

"That's life," she shrugs, "That's how it goes. But you can't quit. I won't let you."

"Let me?" I cross my arms.

"I won't let you do it," she shrugs, "I've poured way to much energy into you kid. I need a return on my investment."

We stare at each other in a stalemate.

"Here's what you're going to do," she pulls out a notepad, "You're going to come back with three colleges you want to go to. You're going to apply to at least one. Please."

"Fine," I relent.

She pauses, "Promise me."

I roll my eyes, "I promise."

"I'm getting you into a college if its the last thing I do," she teases, but I know she's serious. 

"Right," I'm still skeptical, but maybe it'll be a Christmas miracle. I stand, shoving the paper into my bag and closing my bag.

As I exit the office, she calls after me, "See you next semester!"

When I come home from school, finding comfort in the idea of being temporarily free from school. I toss my backpack into my room before heading to the kitchen to grab a snack. I rifle through the cabinets, actually famished without NCT. I never realized how much I tied my eating habits to a schedule.

I grab my headphones, the silence of the house getting to me. I let our song play for the first time in weeks.

"As I told you I love you..."