Safe from Scars (COMPLETE)

8. Dreams

Present Day
The sound of waves crashing roared lightly in my ear. The smell of ocean water and salt stung my nose and I could feel a cool breeze against my face. Now this is a fucking dream I could get used to.

"Kali! Da peach!" I hear a little voice say.
I open my eyes to realize it wasn't a dream. The morning sun has almost reached the top of the sky. I stretched and yawned as Trisha chuckled lightly still sitting next to me. We were parked, but just sitting there. Was she waiting for me wake up?

"Well good morning, sleeping beauty." She smiled that smile. And I forced one back to her just so she knew I wasn't going to cry again. 

"I thought we could spend the day here before we head home. I have to get back to work tomorrow so I thought we could spend the day relaxing. Is that okay, honey?"
She was too good for this world. Too good for me. 

I nodded my head and helped her get the boys out of the car. I didn't feel like much talking, and I am thankful that she sensed that. 

She peeled away from her beige cardigan and tied it around her small waist just over the belt loops in her jeans, and removed her Nikes and socks. She let her hair out of its tight top knot, and adjusted her sunglasses. I was expecting her to pull out some lawn chairs, an umbrella, dozens of diaper bags, and lather the boys up in 10 layers of sunscreen. That's what moms do, right?

But she doesn't. She walks hand in hand with her sons, toward the beach, as they jumped up and down in excitement. She doesn't bother waiting for me, and I appreciate that. She knows I will catch up when I'm ready. 

We watched Elijah and Thomas run down to the water. Their small feet padded against the wet sand and they embraced the small waves that chased up their ankles. They splashed water at each other and never stopped smiling.  Kids are so carefree. So oblivious to all the bullshit that could happen. I'm jealous.

Aunt Trisha and I bury our asses in the warm sand and stare off into the Pacific. She watches the boys play and screams "Be very careful!" For the millionth time. I can't help but smile. I would kill to have her as a mother. The twins are so lucky.

My hands fidget in the sand that my toes are now buried in. The heat of it feels so good on my skin in contrast to the cool ocean breeze. This is a combination that I could get used to. 

My toes are busy wiggling around and my hands trace the sand. I feel numb. Like I can't think straight, but I'm still staring out into the ocean.

 I process everything that's happened within the last twenty four hours.

 Graduating from high school. Kissing Seattle and college goodbye. The goodbyes that I didn't give to my friends. The boy I loved and lost. The mother I am rid of. The scars that will still linger for the rest of my life. 

I have so many unanswered questions.
When I think about my future, I don't see anything. I think that is what scares me right now. 

The fear of having nothing, and no one, set in after my rage was long gone.

Who am I, if I'm not Kali Kingston: Daughter of the holy and perfect Mariam Kingston, best Friends to Jo and Marina, and girlfriend to Trey Weston. 

Do I even belong on this planet?

"I know you're staring out there, waiting for answers, darlin. But I've already looked, and there are none. That's just the ocean. And those are just waves. Your answers will be found elsewhere."

Trisha's sweet voice, like a fucking fortune cookie, invades my train of thought.

"So what's going to happen next, Aunt Trish? Where do I go from here? Who am I supposed to be here in California. How do I move on from this?" I sound almost like I am begging for the answers that I know she can not give. I'm so pathetic.

She swipes her sunglasses off her face and turns her body to me, looking deeply into my eyes, and I know this is going to be serious.

"Kali, you don't need to be or do anything you don't want to be. You focus on healing here," She points her two fingers to my heart, "and then you worry about what you want in life.  Grieve for what you've just lost, and heal, baby. This is going to be one journey that is completely at your own pace the way you want it, but I am here for you every step of the way, my girl. "

She puts her shades back on and looks onward to the twins digging up the sand in front of her. They are so lucky to have this woman. She's my guardian angel. My thoughts go to What ifs. And I imagine myself, 6 years old, being whisked away but my Uncle Ely and Trisha, to come to California, and have the happy life I knew I wouldn't have. If only. 

Before thinking, my mouth speaks for my mind.
"Aunt Trish, did it hurt when Uncle Ely died? "
I feel like an idiot as I'm spitting it out. Of course I was having a moment with her, but I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to take her back. I say dumb shit sometimes. 

But she just stared off into the waves and a hint of smile traced her lips.
"Yes, baby. It hurt like hell. But let me tell you that coming here and staring into these waves, waiting for them to speak to me made me feel better. It hurt like my own life was taken, but it's a pain that I've healed from." She continued smiling and tilted her head up toward the sun, soaking in the heat.

She makes me feel hopeful for the first time in twenty four hours.