Hollywood Journey

Unsettling News

"I hope she has answers. I really feel like shit."

I lay on my side, trying to get comfortable as Brad squeezes my hand trying to hide the fact that he is scared to death himself about what we'll be finding out today.

I can't seem to get rid of whatever is going on with me and I've never been more worried about my health in my life since I know whatever is hurting me is also hurting my unborn child that I'm supposed to be protecting.

"Whatever it is, I'm here for you. I'm not leaving again and putting all that extra stress on you. I shouldn't have done it to you in the first place."

"Brad it is NOT your fault. You didn't cause all this. There's no way one single person could cause this much trouble."

My doctor walks in shortly after with my chart, carefully reading every note the nurse took down earlier while asking about my symptoms. Her facial expressions give away everything, even with trying her best to hide that she knows there is something wrong. I can tell by how many times she re-reads and sighs, there is something she needs to tell us. Something neither of us wants to hear.

"I'm going to need to run some more tests before we're able to get a definite answer, but I want you to stay here for a little after them. Your blood pressure is a little higher than I like, and it never got this high with your first pregnancy so I definitely want to monitor and retake it in an hour or two. It could be nothing, but it could also be the start of some more serious health issues."

"Like what?"

Brad sits up straight, taking in a deep breath. His hand holding mine starts trembling as she continues to say words I intentionally blackout, not wanting to remember.

"... I won't be able to know for sure until the lab results are back and we retake your blood pressure, but I'm leaning towards preeclampsia due to your symptoms."

"Okay."

I lay my shaky arm out for her, giving her the okay to poke me and drain what feels like all my blood just to tell me the news I never thought I would have to hear.

"Brad what if there's something wrong with the baby? Like I know there's something with me, but what if it's the baby instead? What if he's dying?"

"Don't say that. You feel him moving constantly. He's just having some trouble, but you're trying your best. You're both going to be fine."

"But you don't know that."

My heart aches. Not for me or the pain and suffering that I've been faced with the last few months, but for my unborn child. For all the pain he might have to face.

For all the health issues he may develop because I couldn't do the one job I have right now correctly. My body isn't failing me, it's failing my baby.

I want to cry, scream at myself for not doing the one job I had. I should have paid attention to everything. I should have known it wasn't normal to be so tired or to have headaches bad enough that I couldn't think, much less move or try to take care of my child.

"Should I have been here earlier?" I turn to face Brad, tears in my eyes as his lip quivers while he tries to hide the fact that this is hitting him just as hard as it is me, but he always feels like he needs to be the strong one to hold us together. He never lets himself break unless he feels it's bad. And this, whatever it is, is bad.

"You can't be blaming yourself for anything, okay? You have done everything right. You've taken every prenatal vitamin, gone to every appointment, tried your best to get as much rest as you could while taking care of a toddler and teenager, you've even taken up eating more while still being healthy. You did everything you needed to. I don't want you putting on the extra stress of blaming yourself."

The nurse walks back in a few minutes later to retake my blood pressure, followed by the doctor who watches everything like a hawk. They're both trying to hide what they know from us, especially after they read the numbers off from my blood pressure.

I wait for her to sit and tell us the results. I don't want to hear them. I want to be hearing that everything is going perfectly, that our son is growing and there aren't any complications. That I just caught the flu or I need to rest more.

"Your results came back as I expected. I'm sorry, Jen, but you're in the beginning stage of preeclampsia. Finding out before your blood pressure spikes too high is a big plus, and since you're at 36 weeks already, I feel comfortable enough with letting you go for a little as long as you rest and come in every few days to be checked, but I want to monitor you closely. I want this taken seriously."

All the suffering I've been facing comes at once. I'm dizzy, I'm nauseous, I'm not myself. My heart races as she continues talking. I want to pay attention, I really do, but the fear is taking over. The fear of the worst happening takes over and I feel as if I'm going to blackout.

"So what does this mean? For her and the baby?" Brad's voice cracks as he comes to terms with the fact that we weren't just overreacting about my symptoms. He pulls me closer, wrapping his arms around my body, "Do we need to do anything else? Other than the visits?"

"As of now, no. I'm not going to officially diagnose her because her levels aren't that high yet, but I can promise you that without rest and taking care of herself they will get up there. I know you said you have the award show, and you have two kids at home, but you really need to take care of yourself, Jennifer."

"But I can't miss that award show. He's nominated."

"I'm not saying you can't go, I'm just saying you need to be careful. The second you feel dizzy, lightheaded, out of breath or crackling in your lungs I want you in the ER. You can't be too careful with this."

"Okay."