i just thought of this while in walmart.
enjoy.
1/21/19
word count: 545 words
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i laid on my back, facing the white ceiling above my bed, listening to rosyln by st. vincent.
I was numb looking the ceiling, noticing every detail I have never noticed before.
I was really tired of feeling this way.
feeling absolutely disgusting, and a waste of space.
depression is definitely a word I could describe this pain.
I had just finished scrolling through millions of pictures of millie on her instagram.
each picture of her was perfection and she was absolutely beautiful.
I was jealous.
very jealous.
why can't I be like her?
millie is adored by everyone.
so many fans.
don't get me wrong, i love millie but at the same time, I hate her.
millie is my co-star in stranger things.
when I saw her kissing my boyfriend for a scene so special, I couldn't help to be jealous.
jealousy is a sin, yes, but what is religion anyway?
I felt jealousy because I'm that moment, I felt useless. I felt like once finn had saw her beauty and amazing personality, he would have a reason to leave me.
a reason to say that I do not matter to him anymore.
I was scared that I am not good enough for him.
finn deserves someone else better than me.
someone prettier, smarter, worth it.
I wish I was those things.
then maybe, just maybe he would love me.
my thoughts were interrupted by a loud noise. my brain assumed it was the front door being opened.
I was right.
I paused my music and sat up.
by the time my body was no longer laying down on my bed, finn had already walked into the room.
me and finn had shared a hotel room at the moment.
finn had stopped at the entrance of my room.
I could tell he knew something was up by the question he had asked:
"what's wrong, baby?" he put my hand on my back and made circular motions.
I wanted to cry in that moment.
finn switched from his original position and sat beside me, on the bed.
I didn't respond.
"hey. tell me what's wrong." finn said, moving my face in his direction with his thumb under my chin.
I let a tear out and finally responded:
"i think we should see other people, finn."
all emotion in his face dropped.
"what?" worry rose to his face again.
"why?"
"why not? you deserve someone else way better than me, finn. I'm worthless, and disgusting, and-" I got cut off my his voice.
"no, no, no. that's not true. that's not true at all. I love you, y/n l/n. if I didn't love you, I wouldn't be with you. that's just dumb. your perfect in my eyes and no one could replace you."
"really? not even millie?" I asked confused.
"what? no. millie and I are just friends. I don't think about millie like that, y/n. only you."
I smiled and he shared a tight hug.
"I love you so much, y/n/n."
"I love you too, finnie."
finn kisses my forehead, causing my eyes to close, and my head to nuzzle into his chest.
