finally deciding to start my writing on this chapter.
I owe everything to this song because this song really speaks to me.
thank you, billie.
enjoy this chapter and remember that I love you !<33
11/29/19
word count: 870 words
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it was just finn and I.
no one else to bother us, no one else to tell me wrong, no one else to hate us anymore.
we lived in a life of love and laughter.
I never really thought that I would ever get this much luxury in my life.
everyone hated me.
everyone hates us.
they hated our relationship.
I never really knew why.
maybe jealousy.
finn doesn't have many fans anymore.
neither do I.
but now I do.
in this moment I do.
cameras everywhere.
I guess I really did miss this.
I felt as if I was an angel.
peace was definitely here on earth.
the golden gate bridge.
that bridge was my favorite.
I grew up in san francisco, so the golden was always astonishing to me no matter how many times I saw it a day.
maybe I can fly here, too.
I was here.
I was on the golden.
cars passed by, honking every once in a while.
I jumped.
not out of a bad thought, but out of the thought of flying.
I didn't.
I watched as I fell down to ground.
nobody cared or cried.
nobody even noticed.
they just walked on as if nothing wrong had happen.
I bolted up shaking.
my heart was racing.
it felt like I wasn't safe anymore.
I looked at finn seeing already sitting up.
he looked concerned.
he instantly hugged me, and I started crying into his chest.
he rubbed my back, shushing me every once and a while.
"as long as i'm here, no one can hurt you."
"I don't want to lie here anymore, finn. I don't want to pretend like everything's okay when it's not."
"but you can learn, y/n. sometimes, you just have to live life as it is. sometimes you just can't do anything about it."
"but how am I supposed to just live life if I hate it? if life makes me hate myself?"
"y/n, if I could change the way that you see yourself and life, you wouldn't wonder why you hear 'they don't deserve you'. I understand what our life has came to be ever since we made our relationship public, but I would never leave you. I love you."
"I love you too, finn."
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I tried to make my bed as comfortable as it could be.
I kept it warm.
when finn and I decided to go to bed, finn cuddled me.
we talked about good times just so I could go to sleep with a peaceful state of mind.
it didn't work.
I loved swimming.
I swam a lot in the summer.
of course, bathing suits were never my favorite.
I had lots of insecurities, but I still loved swimming very much.
but here, I couldn't swim.
I jumped in the water thinking I could.
I tried to scream or call for help, but I couldn't speak either.
I was under the water,
drowning.
it was always my biggest fear.
but trusted myself every time I swam because I was fairly good at it.
people around me started pointing, laughing; calling me weak.
I now knew that I was.
I drowned.
I stopped breathing.
I died.
I woke up gasping once again.
finn woke up with me.
"are you okay, y/n?"
I didn't talk to finn.
I stayed quit for a while, trying to catch my breath.
I was still shaking.
finn stayed quit, too.
he knew I needed space.
some time to calm down.
"they felt so real. like they were right in front of me, finn."
I had other mental issues that were going on, but I never talked about them to anyone.
I was scared.
I was scared that someone would take me away from my home, from finn.
I was scared I would live the rest of my life in a mental hospital.
I never tried to talk to my parents either.
they are the last people I would talk to.
they look up to me so much.
they expect so much from me.
I don't want to let them down.
I finally looked at finn.
I finally understood how much I needed him in my life.
he's done so much for me.
I don't deserve him.
I hugged him.
I hugged him for a while.
"everything will be okay. I promise." finn whispered.
finn doesn't understand why it isn't okay.
"we'll get through this, okay?" I nodded, but I didn't feel confident.
I just stayed hugging him for as long as I could.
"I love you."
"I love you too, finn."
I should of seen it coming.
I should've known that life would come to this.
how foolish of me to ever think my fans would love me.
maybe if they knew what they did would change my life forever, they wouldn't?
or maybe they would just live their life as if nothing had happened.
but they didn't.
they didn't cry.
they didn't even notice.
