DISTRACTED

SS: Pete Pete - 2

It was my freshman year, and you were new to class. The teacher assigned you right next to me. I remember you had a green Seahawks cup, [thinking about it now, you probably had your tea with your sugar inside of it] you were wearing this flannel you always wear, and some jeans.
Your hair was cut-short, and your eyes were hazel and beautiful. I turned to you and said hello, shaking my hand, and introducing myself. After that we became silent, not really speaking to each other. After our new seating arrangements, I will still sitting next to you, just a table away. I began to talk to you, more and more. Soon, talking to you went from class, to in the halls, to over text, to FaceTime.
I loved talking to you so much. It was hard, letting someone in. And you knew that. But eventually, I let you in. I gave you everything, and in exchange, you slowly let me in too. You let me see the broken parts of you, and you let me be there for those moments. And I to you.
Everyday, I would run to fourth period, a large smile on my face, knowing I was seconds away from being in your presence. The entire class eventually knew we were friends. Shit, if another classmate joked saying they would punch you, i would stand up, stare at them, and tell them that they would have to go through me first because you're amazing.
The entire class also knew I liked you - it was obvious. But I kept that to myself. I didn't tell you. I tried not to-you had a girlfriend.
Eventually, one day I did tell you. It got SO MUCH easier that you knew. I could openly flirt with you as a joke, and give you these long paragraphs about how I felt.
But...for some reason I never liked you. Okay, I was never in the "crush" phase. Because the second I admitted it to myself I realized I love you.
Peter, I love you.
But one day you left...you had to move. You were in a tough situation at home, and you moved. I was in so much pain. And I remember you told me you were crying in the car on your way to your new home because the only thing you could think was "I'm leaving her behind".
It sucked without you. It sucked not getting my daily smile, my stealing of your tea, waiting for you to ask for your tea back. I miss you calling me Chipmunk...and then one day you did leave.
You said "bye". I remember not being able to breathe. My sister went into my room, seeing me have a panic attack. And it was the worst panic attack I've ever had because I remember every detail. I was screaming, crying, I couldn't breathe. I got so dizzy and everything got so dark, and I had so little air and so many tears. And this went on for 2 hours-it felt forever. I stayed home the next day. For a month, we didn't talk. But you came back and said "I need you" but I pushed you away. Another month went by and you kept coming back, and when I tried to push you away you said "I love you. I'm IN love with you." I had another panic attack that night. Another month went by, and third times the charm because this time I let you in. I was done pushing you away. I needed you. Truth is, I never stopped loving you. Even after the boyfriend I had during all of this? I loved you and I love you. It hurts loving you. Because you loved me so much and I still love you. I stay up at night crying, because you're over 70 miles away from me and I fucking need you right next to me. Peter, I don't just love you. I'm in love with you. I love you so much, and I've never stopped every fucking time. I love you so much. That's why it still hurts, that's why I still need you. That's why I always got mad, that's why I always hated saying your name. That's why I wrote those poems about you in class, and why...just why. Why? Why?? Fucking why?? You said you were in love with me once...and here I am, clinging to the hope that one day you can be in love with me again...cause it's been a year and a half and I can't seem to stop loving you. I chose to love you once. But I didn't choose to be stuck loving you. Did you choose to stop loving me?
I wanna go back to freshman year where I saw you every day, in front of me. Cause now...I can't tell you that I'm still in love with you. Cause last time I told you, you tried to leave. So I got a boyfriend and said I didn't love you. But when you began to talk about another girl it hurt. It hurt. But, when I asked you to describe this girl and you said "she's like you." It hurt a little less. Everything hurts. Because I love you. If it's real, it hurts. Right?