lovely | poetry

beautiful

beautiful
a word carved into my eyelids
burning in the corners of my
shattered mind
beautiful
it's written on the silver screens
in bathrooms that have memorized the sound
of my screams
beautiful
it's scrawled over the lips of seeking faces
searching crowds for brighter eyes
that they can kiss until their darkened into the blanket of black skies
beautiful
i mumble it in my sleep
wishing i could believe
for just an instant
that i was beautiful
instead i make my stomach flat
carry lies on my fingertips
cold water filling my throat
i still feel dry
beautiful
i make myself into the stones you see
in marble libraries
made of ice and snow
and all the frigid breaths that i have come to know
beautiful
you're going to waste away, they say
i have nothing left but broken hearts
torn to shreds and frozen blue in my chest
a thousand gaping holes upon a thousand
ghosts and stones thrown at my body
when the scars were only fresh
they ask me
with their words so nicely
am i pretty
am i pretty
bowed heads and dipping lashes
i tilt their heads up
I whisper and i promise
prettier than pretty could ever be
they keep asking me
so nicely, so nicely
am i pretty
am i pretty
darling, you grow more beautiful each day
but am i lying
when inside I'm begging to be consoled
in such a way
i have locked my lips and sealed my secrets
bit at skin carved in gashes
crying into my own arms
afraid to ask anyone to stay
once upon a time
i could tell you, i could ask you
am i pretty, am i pretty
i would wait for an answer
but those days
they have passed
in bleeding, dripping photographs
all my bones are broken
there are bruises on my heart
there are countless words made of sugar
laced with poison
countless hims, hers, theys
who have ripped the color from my skin
drained the warmth until i'm blue
half dead
so no longer ever will i ask you
am i pretty
am i pretty
i will tell myself
you aren't pretty
you must be pretty
thinner
smarter
better
brighter
nothing is ever good enough
i am never good enough
i am much too weak
i am bursting at the seams
what does it take just to be beautiful
do i have to hurt just to be beautiful
will it please you if i could be beautiful
i just want to be beautiful
i am not beautiful

You are beautiful. More beautiful than words could ever describe. Sorry, that was not my best work. But you are so incredibly perfect the way you are. Please stay healthy. You're even more beautiful when you're healthy.