Alcatraz

Bonus: Visit

20 August 2014

Client: Mr. Niall Horan

“So, Mister Horan. Do you know why you’re here today?”

“Can’t say I do, Doc. Mind enlightening me?”

“Your friends are worried, Niall. They’ve told me about your letters to Zayn Malik over at Alcatraz. He’s dangerous; you must know that, right?”

 

Niall nods. He doesn’t meet my eyes and instead chooses to play with his fingers in his lap.

“Use your words, please. And don’t roll your eyes at me.”

 

Niall huffs childishly and crosses his arms over his chest. “You don’t even fucking know him like I do, you know? Sure he did some things—many things-- he regrets, but he loves me and would never dream of hurting me. So don’t talk about him as though he’s some kind of feral animal because he’s not. He’s a man with a past, but I still love him. I’m done talking to you, now,” he seethes.

 

“I never said he was an animal, I was merely making sure you knew that what you were doing by conversing with him was dangerous. Can we agree on that? At least initially when you knew nothing about him is what I mean, just for clarification.”

Niall still doesn’t look at me. His arms remained crossed and there is a scowl on his face.

 

“Niall, please. I’m sorry for offending you; that wasn’t my intention. How about we talk about things from a different angle? Tell me what drew you to Zayn, what you love most about him. Think you can do that?”

Niall sits silent for a moment or two before finally meeting my eyes, a small smile finally making its way to his lips. “Just one thing?” he asks tentatively, a small tremor evident in his hushed voice.

 

“Share as much as you’d like, Niall. We’ve plenty of time.”

“All right, well, I first started writing to him because I’d learned about him a bit in primary, and all the other kids thought he was some scary villain, like the big bad wolf or something, but I… you know, never really got that sense.” He looks to me for approval, and appears to be placated by the small nod I give. “And then—then I really got to know him and he wasn’t anything like what people try to make him out to be. He’s made his mistakes, yes, but haven’t we all? He’s only human. Human, but not a monster. Whoever believes that saying “all monsters are human” has clearly never met Zayn Malik. Anyway, as to what I love most about him, well that’s difficult to narrow down. I love the way his caramel-coloured eyes twinkled as he looked into my own blue ones when we met for the first—“

 

“And last?”

He glares at me before continuing on, almost as though I hadn’t spoken at all. “—time. His voice was smooth as the finest velvet, fit for a king, really. And maybe that’s what he was in a past life. We always joked that I was the female in the relationship anyway, so maybe he really was my king, and I his queen.” He stops talking and looks pensive as the clock behind my desk rhythmically tick-tick-ticks like a metronome.

 

When Niall makes no move to speak again, I softly prompt him: “So you were in an actual relationship, then? As in official titles and all that?”

“I suppose we were as close to official as we could be, given the…situation we ended with. Sure, we hadn’t talked about the whole ‘boyfriends’ thing, but is that what really makes a relationship? Because if you ask me, a true relationship should be all about love and trust, and I can assure you that I loved—love—Zayn Malik and would trust him with my life.”

 

“Point well taken, I suppose. And these feelings were mutual, I assume? Did you discuss that?”

Niall smiles sadly. When he finally speaks, there are tears evident in his voice. “Not explicitly. I mean, we sure as hell showed we loved each other well before either of us were really aware of our own feelings. It was evident in the soft way his neat handwriting curved around my name, the way he was so deeply concerned about my well-being in a way even my own mother never was. He was always the subtler of the two of us, but his love was of a more tender and caring type, while I was more passionate and outspoken. Innuendos were kind of my thing, I guess. We were the best of both worlds, mixed into one adorably sappy couple.” He sits quietly for several minutes, doing little else than twiddling his thumbs. “He told me he loved me,” he says in a whisper. “That’s the last time I heard from him and now he’s gone.” A fat raindrop-like tear rolls down his cheek, followed by another, and another, and another, until he is sobbing a torrential downpour. “I never got to tell him,” I barely make out. “He died not knowing that I loved him more than the sun loves the fucking moon!”

 

His arms wrap around his thin frame, holding together the pieces lest they fly away in the hurricane of emotions swirling his brain. I make no move to comfort him, afraid that my touch will send the fragile bits crumbling.

When he finally calms down, I offer him a tissue. “We’re almost done for the day, but can I ask you one thing before you go?” He nods, dabbing the tissue beneath his eyes. “You do know why your friends requested you come see me, correct?”

He looks at me quizzically before answering: “Well, Liam told me it’s because I’ve been really upset since the whole thing. He thought I wasn’t fully grasping the fact that Zayn is d-dead; I—I used to stay up at night until my eyes would literally close of their own accord, waiting for him to come find me or something. I don’t know, I realise he’s gone, but I just can’t let go. That’s why I wrote the ‘response’ letter. It made me feel close to him again because for a few moments, I could pretend he right there with me as I read the words on the page. You think I’m crazy, don’t you?”

 

“Crazy, no. You’ve been through a lot in a very short time so your response is to be expected. Your friends are merely worried about you and want the best for you. You understand that, right?”

Niall nods emphatically.

 

“Great. I’ll see you next time, then.”

“Laters.”

First off, I'm terribly sorry for going on a brief hiatus right when this story was almost done. Work has been a madhouse, but I'll be back in the swing of things shortly. Second, I think this was self-explanatory, but the italics were Niall as per usual and the regular text was the unnamed psychiatrist. Third, there will be two more regular chapters, I think. I'm still up for a few bonus chapters, but we'll see what you all want.

There was a little hint in there but the only thing I'll say is "motives." You'll see what I mean in the final chapters! Love you, little kittens <3 

OH! And happy birthday to DADDY Liam xxx