Masked Facade

Chapter 27: A Play

Alice's POV 

Six years ago... 

Digging up the hole of shame. That's what I've been up to lately with every passing day for the last one month. Yeah, that's fricking right. Time flies by so fast under your nose that I lost the damn track of the same. But the torture was just as intense as it was when I decided to show my ass for that Godforsaken game night. That sole night was so firmly etched in my brain that even when I'd make it to the darkest corner of my existence, it had the capability to pull me right out of it. A part of my inner bitch told me it was all a trick, but the other part – the huge part – cherished in making me almost believe that he was saving me from hitting rock bottom. The only person who managed to do was nowhere in a position to back off and neither was I ready to let me indulge with him in any way.  

I doubted whether there even existed a feeling that'd consume the whole of you without even your conscience. I never had to worry about my emotions. With being pulled between happiness and sadness with a small tinge of anger, I had them very well organized within me. For the first time I got the bloody chance to experience something that I sort of wasn't destined to endure.   

Unbelievably, I and Ryan have been really successful in playing hide and seek. Me hiding and him seeking. Speaking of which, it ended a month ago when I last saw Ryan in the eye and stormed away from him.  

The night when I lashed out after his game, things were never the same with Ryan. I basically portrayed him as a coward, and it seemed as if I had hit a notch in that respect. 

On the verge of falling apart in front of him when he questioned my interaction with the Walker twins, I sucked it up like no one's business and gave Ryan a piece of my mind. Satiation crept under my skin like a disease that I had no desire letting go of it when Ryan asked Thea about my whereabouts. The time we spent was just like a giant wheel ride. Starting off as being assholes to each other (more on his part), the interaction we had was none to minimal. Then we rose up together along the ride and reached the top most point where we had to accept the fate that we had to decide for each other. Either way it'd be a great fall. Depending upon the agreement of our future intentions, the decision would be made of whether there'd be a chance for another round or the end of the first and last one. 

And it was about time we jumped at the opportunity provided as I spit out what I felt about him. It wasn't my best version of delivering such blows, but I had no other option left. I witnessed his will to reach out to me in his eyes but the words that came out of his mouth was like venom directed in my direction. After the incident with Walker twins, I expected him to understand where I came from without me voicing it out. I very well knew it was a douche move but I wanted something from him that would last for the long haul. It was me who judged him few months ago in the worst possible ways. But it was also true that no one saw what I saw in him. What he let me see in him. That was a huge step for both of us. Him appearing vulnerable and me trusting him.  

For the past month, I've been constantly digging up the hole of shame to bury my self-esteem, my dignity and the morals I followed, my non-faltering confidence to stand up to anything... Everything that distinguished me as a sensible and responsible person, I let them go with all my might just to seek him almost every waking day. Because if there's anyone stubborn as hell between the two of us, then it was definitely me. I knew me better than anyone who claimed to really know me. Being said that, the need to bury my character defining straits was more than holding onto it and never being able to at least try to contact him. And when I did text him, I knew which way I paved for myself for the least. The fall from the top position of the giant wheel was inevitable but also it was the last ride for us.