A Different Divergent: Everyday Love

8

Chapter 8

I sit on the outdoor loveseat with my arms wrapped tightly around Tobias and my head resting on his hard chest. My naked feet are tucked underneath me as I stare into the blue and orange flames in the fire pit as they lightly dance on the gentle, warm summer breeze. We haven't said a single word to each other in about an hour. He's leaving me to my thoughts, and I'm leaving him to his but I'm not sure it's a good thing. We should be talking about this but with us both so steadfast in our decisions, a conversation could devolve into a fight, and I know neither of us want that.

"You really don't want another baby with me?" I quietly ask, my voice small, finally breaking the deafening silence. When he doesn't answer, I unwrap myself from his embrace and sit cross-legged next to him. He turns his body and rests his arm on the back of the loveseat behind me so we can look each other in the eye. I watch him struggle with his answer.

"Not if it puts your life at risk, love," he finally says, "no."

"Tobias, I love how much you love me but you do realize that I put my life at risk on a daily basis just by walking out our front door," I say then chuckle humorlessly. "We live in a faction where we routinely jump on and off trains."

"If you died jumping on a train it wouldn't be my fault," he says. "If you died because I got you pregnant, I couldn't live with myself."

"I know you," I say as I reach out and caress his stubbled chin. "If something were to happen to me, you would find a way to blame yourself no matter what."

"You do have a point there. I'll give you that," he says with a sigh.

"We aren't getting anywhere, are we?"

"Not really," he says. "Tell me something, have you been thinking about this a lot lately? You haven't said a single word about wanting another baby until today."

"Not a lot but every once in a while, it would cross my mind," I say. "I think about another baby each time one of the girls reaches a milestone but until today, I thought it was just too soon. But when I got to thinking about it during the movie, I realized now is the perfect time. Tyler would be 5, Tessa would be 3, and Teagan would be 2 if we got pregnant right away." I sigh knowing that I might never get to hold another baby who has his or her father's eyes and tears well up in mine. I reach up and wipe them away before they can fall, hoping to hide them from him but I fail.

"I hate not giving you what you want the moment you ask for it," he says, pain audible in his voice as he cups my cheek and wipes the dampness away with his thumb. I can't help but lean into his palm. "It tears my heart out, love. I never want to see pain in your eyes put there by me like there is now."

"But?" I say, sensing he has more to say.

"I can't get past the fact that having another baby puts your life at risk," he says. "You're right, we live in such unpredictable times. You don't know how much I want to just lock you and the kids away so that I know you'll always be safe. I wouldn't survive without you. Maybe you forgot about my worst fear." Images of that gut-wrenching fear landscape play in my mind like a bad movie and I shudder.

"I haven't forgotten," I say. "I lived it, too."

"Then how could you want to take yourself away from me, away from the kids?"

"I don't," I emphatically say. "Do you really think that?" He stares into my eyes with an intensity I don't quite understand.

"What I can't wrap my head around is that you know what could happen but you're willing to take the risk. Do you find something ... missing in our life? I thought we were happy, Tris."