The One I Cant Have (a Michael Clifford Fanfic)

Chapter 17

I spooning with Ash in Calum's bed. After we told him what happened, Calum kindly gave up his bed for us. His was a full sized bed, so there wasn't enough space for both of us to lay comfortably. Ashton's arm was draped around me. I looked at his arm. He was actually really hair, but not in an off-putting fashion. It just kind of made him seem more masculine.

I continued to stare at Ash's arm. My gaze landed on his cuts. My eyes began to water. I know that he's better now, but he's still not happy. He and I both know the only thing that will make him happier was me, but I just couldn't do that. I know Michael and I were taking a break, but we still loved each other... Didn't we? Don't I? If I made us take a break, did I still love him? Of course I did. Don't I?

Ashton woke up and I rolled over to face him. He ran his finger through my hair, interlocking his fingers with mine. I smiled at him and he beamed.

"Beach?"

"Let's go." I laughed.

We quickly changed and crept out to the beach. It was 5:42 in the morning which meant there was almost no one there. We walked beside the water, letting it gently lap at our bare feet. The sun was still rising, so the sky was a beautiful orange color.

Ashton and I decided to sit down when we came close to the end. A flock of seagulls came and swooshed over us. A slight breeze came, making me shiver. Ashton wrapped his arm around me to keep me warm. We sat there for a while, enjoying each other's company.

"What are we?" I broke the silence, still looking into the distance. 

"We are human. That's all we've ever been and what we'll ever be. We'll laugh and cry, we'll learn and dream. We'll love and break but in the end, all we'll ever be is human." he answered, staring at the water.

I turned to face him, and he looked at me. We smiled at eachother. This is what I loved about Ashton. He can make anything beautiful and he can just make you smile no matter what. I wanted to know if we were friends, dating or what, and he replied with such a poetic response.

I rested my head on his shoulder and took in his scent. He smelled like rain. Not the water from the beach, but rain. Like when you finally walk outside after a storm and everything smells fresh, and you get that feeling that everything will be alright? That's what Ashton smelled like. His smell was comforting, while Michael's smell was strong. Michael smelled like he was your protector, where Ashton smelled like your partner.

This scene was perfect. The shining waters, the shimmering sand, the sunrise. Everything was perfect. So I didn't know why I felt so empty. I felt imcomplete. 

"Carter?" Ashton asked.

"Yeah?" I replied.

"No matter how much I love being with you, I can't help but feel that you're sitting here with the wrong person." he looked me dead in the eye. I could see his eyes were filled with sadness.

"You think so?" I asked.

"I do." he sounded like he was in a lot of pain. He and I both knew this was all wrong.

"I was thinking the same thing." I said. 

"You should go patch things up with Michael." he gave me a lopsided smile.

"Thank you Ash." I kissed his cheek lightly.

"Can I stay here a while?" Ashton asked.

"As long as you don't drown yourself." I teased him, looking him in the eye. His eyes filled up with water.

"Oh Ash! Please don't ever think like that, okay?" I hugged him tightly.

"I'm sorry." he whispered.

"It's okay. Everything's going to be okay." I reassured him. I'm just not sure he believed me.